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A bunch of new jokes that are actually FUNNY
Air Force One comes
in for a landing at the airport. A ramp is wheeled
up and President Clinton appears carrying a pig under each arm.
As he comes down the ramp, the Marine at the bottom snaps to a salute.
Clinton says,
"You'll have to excuse me. I
can't return your salute. My
hands are full."
"Yes Sir. I see the pigs Sir!" responds the Marine.
"Now hold on," says Clinton.
"These aren't just pigs. These are
genuine Arkansas Razorbacks."
"Yes Sir! Razorbacks Sir!" says the Marine.
"I got this one for Chelsea and this one
for Hillary," Clinton
explains.
The Marine answers, "Yes Sir! An excellent trade if I may say so
myself Sir!"
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Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands'
performance as a lover. The first woman says "My Husband works as a
marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make
love.....I
really like that."
"The second woman says, "My husband is a sports fanatic and he
likes
to play rough sometimes. I kinda like that."
The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for
Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great
it's going to be when I get it."
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Pope John Paul is in Rochester.
He hails a cab and tells the cabbie he
needs to get across town in a big hurry. The cabbie says that he
can't speed because he'll lose his job if he gets another ticket. So
the Pope says, "I'll drive", hops in the front, and the cabbie
gets in the back.
Weaving quickly through downtown, the pope is pulled over by a
policeman who is astonished to see him behind the wheel. The cop
returns to his car, calls headquarters and says, "I just pulled
someone really important over, and I'm not sure what to do."
Headquarters: "Is it the mayor?"
Cop: "No, bigger."
HQ: "The governor?"
Cop: "No, bigger."
HQ: "President Clinton?"
Cop: "No, bigger."
HQ: "Who could it possibly be?"
Cop: "I don't know, but I know he's really important because the pope is
driving him around Rochester."
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So Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for '96. The only thing
he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and
even the high schools, and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would
ensure a SuperBowl win.
Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background
out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly
incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200
yards away -- ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of about
10 soldiers a good 110 yards away--ka-blooey! A car passes going 90 miles an
hour--bulls-eye! Right into the barely open window.
"I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the
perfect arm!" So
he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football.
Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes
and the Raiders go on to win the SuperBowl. The young Bosnian is lionized as
the Great Hero of SuperBowl XXXII, and when Al asks him what he wants, all
the young man wants to do is to call his mother.
"Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the
SuperBowl." "I
don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us.
You're not
my son."
"I don't think you understand, mother" the young man pleads.
"I just won the
greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of
adoring fans."
"No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very
moment, there are
gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.
Your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their life last week, and this week
your sister was raped in broad daylight...." The old lady pauses, in
tears.
"...I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland."
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