JOKES

JOKES

1)

This is great!

Enjoy this terrific confusion.

Conversation of William Knott and Mr. Watt.

> >> > "Who's calling?"

> >> > "Watt."

> >> > "What is your name, please?"

> >> > "Watt's my name."

> >> > "That's what I asked you. What's your name?"

> >> > "That's what I told you. Watt's my name."

> A long pause, and then from Watt,

> >> > "Is this James Brown?"

> >> > "No, this is Knott."

> >> > "Please tell me your name."

> >> > "Will Knott."

> >> > "Why not?"

> >> > "Huh? What do you mean why not?"

> >> > "Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?"

> >> > "But I told you my name!"

> >> > "Didn't you say you will not?"

> >> > "Not not, Knott, Will Knott!"

> >> > "That's what I mean."

> >> > "So you know my name."

> >> > "Of course not!"

> >> > "Good. So now, what is yours?"

> >> > "Watt. Yours?"

> >> > "Your name!"

> >> > "Watt's my name."

> >> > "How the hell do I know? I am asking you!"

> >> > "Look I have been very patient and I have told you my name and you have not even told me yours yet."

> >> > "You have been patient, what about me? I have told you my name so many times and it is you who have not told me yours yet."

> >> > "Of course not!"

> >> > "See, you even know my name!"

> >> > "Of course not!"

> >> > "Then why do you keep saying of course Knott?"

> >> > "Because I don't."

>Pause,

> >> > "What is your name?"

> >> > "See, you know my name!"

> >> > "Of course not!"

> >> > "Then why do you keep asking Watt is your name?"

> >> > "To find out your name!"

> >> > "But you already know it!"

> >> > "What?"

> >> > "See...

> >> > "...And you know mine!"

> >> > "Of course not!"

> >> > "Exactly!"

>NOW THEY ARE AT A POINT WHERE BOTH THINK THE OTHER KNOWS THEIR NAME, BUT THEY THEMSELVES DON'T KNOW THE OTHER'S NAME.

> >> > "Listen, listen, if I asked you what your name is, what will be your answer?"

> >> > "Watt's my name."

> >> > "No, no, give me only one word."

> >> > "Watt"

> >> > "Your name!"

> >> > "Right!"

>Pause before it hits him,

> >> > "Oh, Wright!"

> >> > "Yeah!"

> >> > "So why didn't you say it before?"

> >> > "I told you so many times!"

> >> > "You never said Wright before..."

> >> > "Of course I did."

> >> > "Ok I won't argue any more. Do you know my name?"

> >> > "I do not."

> >> > "Well, there you go, now we know each other's name."

> >> > "I do not!"

> >> > "Good!"

>Pause before it hits him,

> >> > "Oh, Guud!"

> >> > "Good."

> >> > "No wonder, it took me so long, is that Dutch?"

> >> > "No, it's Knott!"

> >> > "Oh, okay. At least the names are clear now, Guud."

> >> > "Yes, Wright."

>NOW THEY BOTH THINK THEY KNOW EACH OTHER'S NAME AS WELL.

2)

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see".

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" said Holmes.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, and then spoke. "Watson, you fool. Somebody has stolen our tent."

3) 

Q: What will you do if a sardar throws a hand grenade on you?

A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: What will you do if a sardar throws a pin on you?

A: Run away! ...sardar has an active hand grenade in his mouth.

4)

# Local variable -

Mein pal do pal ka shayar hoon, pal do pal meri kahani hai pal do pal meri hasti hai.

# Global variable -

Main har ik pal ka shayar hoon, har ik pal meri kahani hai har ik pal meri hasti hai.

# Null pointers -

Mera jeevan kora kagaz kora hi reh gaya.

# Dangling pointers -

Maut bhi aati nahi jaan bhi jati nahin.

# goto -

Ajeeb dastan hai yeh Kahan shuru kahan, khatam Ye manzilen hain kaun si,

Na woh samajh sake na hum.

# Two Recursive functions calling each other

Mujhe kuchh kehna hein, mujhe bhi kuchh kehna hein, pehle tum, pehle tum.

# The debugger -

Jab koi baat bigad jaye, Jab koi mushkil pad jaye, Tum dena saath mera hamnawaz.

# COM programming in VC

Roop tera mastana, Pyar mera deewana, Bhool kahin hum se na ho jaye.

# From VC to VB -

Yeh haseen vaadiyan, Yeh khula asmaan, Aa gaye hum kahan.

# Untraceable bug -

Aye ajnabi, tu bhi kabhi, awaaz de kahin se.

# Unexpected bug (esp. during presentation to client):

Ye kya hua, Kaise hua, Kab hua, Kyon hua.

# And then to the client:

Jab hua, Tab hua, O chhodo, ye na socho.

# Load Balancing -

Saathi haath badhana, ek akela thak jayega, mil kar bojh uthana.

# Modem - modem talk on a busy connection

suno - kaho, kaha - suna, kuch huwa kya? abhee to nahin.

# Windows getting open sourced

Parde mein rahne do, parda na uthao, parda jo uth gaya to bhed khul jayeha,

allah meri tauba, allah meri tauba.

5)

This is a conversation taking place between two people who have committed the biggest mistake of their life. Well, I mean to say- "THEY ARE MARRIED".

A software Engineer writes...

Upgrade from a girlfriend to a wife

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Smoking 10.3, Boozing 2.5 and Saturday Night Pubs 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications like Night Club 4.3, Dance 'n' Drunk 2.0 and Bachelor Party 7.77. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the UN-install does not work on this program. Once I tried to uninstall Wife 1.0 but got this error "General Protection Fault in module House Security. The Un-installation will abort." Can you help me, please!!!

A reply...

Dear Software Engineer,

Ref: Upgrade from a girlfriend to a wife

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is actually an

OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to UN-install, delete, or purge Wife 1.0 from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.

Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support" which was given to you at the time of registration with Wife 1.0. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself; I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). Best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In fact I would suggest u to use this command every time Wife 1.0 crashes on your system. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0 or Movies 4.5 which will improve the performance of Wife1.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Visual Secretary With

Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Recent Survey says that Add-On software's like Visual Sari 2.0, Diamond Necklace3.0, Holidays 1.0 are the best Third Party tools that supports Wife 1.0 program to run smoothly and effectively.

Please let me know what you feel about it?

6)

LETTER FROM A SARDARJI'S LOVING MOTHER

Pyaarey puttar,

Vahe Guru.

I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles away.

I won't be able to send the address of this place, as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house number with him for their new house so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the commode. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first it rained for 3 days and second time for 4days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your uncle, Jatinder fell in a nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.

There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love Mom.

P.S.: I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Keep in touch. Keep Smiling. Enjoy life

Bye for now, rest text in next.

7)

a.

BOY: Since we met, I can't eat or drink...

GIRL: Why not??

BOY: I'm broke.

b.

GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me!

BOY: You love me...

c.

GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring??

BOY: Sure, what's your phone number??

d.

CAROL: Do you remember when you proposed to me? I was so overwhelmed; I couldn't speak for an hour...

PETER: Yes Darling, that was the happiest hour of my life...

e.

BOY: I love you and I could die for you!

GIRL: How soon??

f.

BOY: I would go to the end of the world for you!

GIRL: Yes, but would you stay there??

g.

Wife: You tell a man something; it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.

Husband: You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

h.

Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?

Peter: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

i.

Customer: How much is that tie?

Salesman: Forty dollars.

Customer: Why, I can buy a pair of shoes with that much money.

Salesman: But how would a pair of shoes look around your neck.

j.

Jimmy: Mom, can I have two pieces of cake?

Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.

k.

Woman: How can I ever repay you for your kindness and consideration to me?

Man : By cheque, money order or cash.

l.

Sam: I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I'm comfortably seated.

Lily: So what do you do?

Sam: I close my eyes

8)

Getting The Job!

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following:

"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!".

9)

A CONVERSATION BETWEEN A SOFTWARE ENGINEER AND HIS WIFE.
Husband (Returning late from work): Good evening dear, I'm now logged in.
Wife: Have you brought the grocery?
Husband: Bad command or filename.
Wife: But I told you in the morning.
Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife: What about my new TV?
Husband: Variable not found...
Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping. Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied...
Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers, or are you just being funny?
Husband: Too many parameters...
Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband: Data type mismatch.
Wife: You are a useless.
Husband: It's by Default.
Wife: What about your salary?
Husband: File in use...Try after some time.
Wife: What is my value in the family?
Husband: Unknown Virus.

10)

A Third grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:
Love all, trust ... me.
No news is ... impossible.
Strike while the ... bug is close.
A miss is as good as a ... Mrs.
A penny saved is ... not much.
Don't bite the hand that ... looks dirty.
You can't teach an old dog ... math.
None are so blind as ... Helen Keller.
The pen is mightier than ... the pigs.
An idle mind is ... the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there's ... pollution.
Better to be safe than.... punch a 5th grader
Happy is the bride who ... gets all the presents.
Never underestimate the power of ... termites.
When the blind lead the blind ... get out of the way.
If at first you don't succeed ... get new batteries.
If you lie down with dogs, you ... will stink in the morning.
Children should be seen and not ... spanked or grounded.
You get out of something what you ... see pictured on the box.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and ... you have to blow your nose.

11)

Laloo Prasad of Bihar sent his bio-data to apply for a post in Microsoft Corporation.

A few days later he got this reply: "Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad, You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further correspondence. No phone call shall be entertained. Thanks."

Laloo Prasad jumped with joy on receiving this reply. He arranged a party and when all the guests had come, he said "Bhaiyon aur Behno, aap ko yeh jaan kar bahut khusi hogee ki humka amereeca mein naukri mil gaya hoon."

Everyone was delighted.

Laloo prasad continued..."Ab hum aap sab ko apnaa appointment letter padkar sunaongaa par letter angreeje main hai isliyen hum saath-saath hindi mein translate bhi karoonga."

Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad-----Pyare Laloo Prasad bhaiyya.

You do not meet----aap to miltay hi nahin.

our requirement----humko to jaroorat hai.

Please do not send any furthur correspondance----ab to letter-vetter bhejne ka kaouno jaroorat hi nahin.

No phone call ----phonwa ka bhee jaroorat nahin hai.

shall be entertained----bahut khaatir kee jayegi.

Thanks----aapkaa bahut bahut dhanyavad.

12)

PUNJAB AIRWAYS

Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen

This is your Captain Santa Singh welcoming you to Punjab Airways. We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off, owing to bad weather and some overtime I had put in at the bakery. This is flight no. 9211 (Nau Do Gyaraah) to Ludhiana. Landing in Ludhiana is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in the East. And if luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your village!

Punjab Airways has an excellent record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so high that even the fully trained terrorists and hijackers are afraid to fly with us!

It is with pleasure I announce that starting this year over 50% of our passengers have reached their destination. For the ones that don't quite make it, Punjab Airways staff has all the requisite experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our Hostess Bubbly Kaur will be happy to brief you on our out-of-court settlement policies.

If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off for your convenience. To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary tea and biscuits.

For our religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out that God really exists.

We regret to inform you that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But for our movie buffs, we will be flying right next to United Airlines, where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window. These windows have been removed, especially keeping in mind your convenience. For passengers with sight problems, we have also put a pair of binoculars under your seat.

As per the rules, smoking is not allowed in all international flights. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down! Life jackets are positioned under your seats and free bathing costumes are made available to the aunties and swimming trunks to the uncles, for emergency landings.

In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible for the best view. If, however, we go a little too close do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark.

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take off and fasten your belts. For those of you who can't find a seat belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And for those of you, who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with our flight attendants for your arrangement to sit on the bathroom seat. If you do sit there, please do not flush frequently because it may result in the shortage of the water we require to make your tea.

Sorry, but I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend my nephew's wedding. But please make yourself at home and help yourself to the cockpit.
Thank you once again for choosing to fly with Punjab Airways.

Cheers.

13)

AN AMAZING NEW STUDY

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Pttery amzanig huh?

14)

THE $20 BILL COMMEMORATION OF 9/11

This trick has been featured on LIVE TELEVISION NEWS all across the nation!

It may be a weird coincidence, but if you take a $20 bill and fold it the right way, you can see what appear to be pictures of the WTC and the Pentagon. Creepy, eh? Here's how to do it:

1. Fold a $20 bill in half so you see the top half of the back.

2. Fold the left half away from you.

3. Fold the right half over. There's the Pentagon!

4. Flip the bill over to see the World Trade Center!

5. Fold as shown below to get.

15)

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida; his wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email, unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen.

DEAREST WIFE.

JUST GOT CHECKED IN...

EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW...

P.S.
ITS REALLY HOT DOWN HERE

16)

Prison vs. Work

1. In prison, they spend the majority of their time in an 8'x10' cell. At work, I spend most of my time in a 6'x8' cubicle.

2. In prison, they get three free meals a day. At work, I only get a break for one meal and I have to pay for it.

3. In prison, you get time off for good behavior. At work, I am rewarded for good behavior with more work.

4. At work, I must wear a badge at all times. In prison, they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn into the clothes.

5. At work there is a dress standard but I must buy my own clothes. In prison there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes for you.

6. At work I must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors myself. In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

7. In prison, they can watch TV and play games. At work, I can be fired for watching TV and playing games.

8. In prison, you have full medical coverage with no deductibles. At work, you get partial coverage and pay all the deductibles yourself.

9. In prison, all expenses are paid by the taxpayer, with no work on their part. At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then deduct the taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

17)

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

18)

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

19)

This was a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:

"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One student replied, "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem, it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer that showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."
"Or if the sun is shining, you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sq root (l/g)."

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."

"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him, 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper."

The student was Neils Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel Prize for Physics.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

20)

One day, three consultants, one from Wipro, one from Infosys and one from TCS, went out for a walk. They were old buddies from engineering college, and they were together for a college reunion.

For no apparent reason, they went into this zoo and passed a monkey. Being in the same business and from the same college, there was a little bit of a peer competition going on between them - they couldn't resist testing themselves against each other -especially the Infosys guy.

He said to the others, "Why don't we prove who the best among ourselves is?" "Why not", said the other two. The Infoscion said, "Let's have a test. Whoever makes this monkey laugh, works for the best firm".

By mutual agreement, the Infoscion took the first turn. Being a pure logical strategist, the Infoscion tried to make the monkey laugh by telling jokes. The monkey stayed still. As a more practical consultant, the Wipro guy tried to make funny gestures... no good, the monkey stayed put... Now, comes the TCSer... being the practical guy he was always trained to be, he whispered something into the monkey's ear, and it burst out laughing at him.

The other two were astonished. How did this TCS guy manage to beat them?

No way were they going to accept defeat so easily. So the Wipro guy said, "OK, let's take another test. Let's make this monkey cry!" So there they went again, applying the same methods as before. The Infosys guy narrated sad stories, the Wipro guy made sad gestures, and they failed again... Then, the TCSer again whispered something into the monkey's ear and lo! It started crying, patting his shoulder!

The other two just could not believe their eyes! So the Infoscion said, "OK, you've won twice. If you can win just this one, we will bow to you. Let's make this monkey run". And he barked at the monkey and ordered him to run. Of course, it stayed where it was. The Wipro guy, true to his type, pushed and prodded the monkey- still No go. So... here comes our TCS guy, again, and whispers into the monkey's ear. The monkey just takes off! It runs and runs as fast as it can, as if it was scared to death! The other two surrendered.

They said, "OK, we give up. You're the best among us, and you work for the Best firm of the three. But please, please tell us your secret," they begged him. "Well", said the TCSer, "The first time I made it laugh, I told it I work for TCS. The next time, I told the monkey how much I am paid... so it started crying. And then I told him that I was here for recruitment!!!"

21)

A sardar was walking along, when he looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over him. The sardar says, "Good thing that cows don't fly.
A sardar is in a bar and his cellular phone rings, so he picks it up and says, "Hello, how did you know I was here?"
How many sardars does it take to pull off a kidnapping? Six. One to kidnap the victim and five to write the ransom note.
Why are sardar secret agents the best in the world? Because even under torture they can't remember what they have been assigned to.
Did you hear about the sardar who signed all his checks so no one else could use them if he lost his checkbook?
Did you hear about the sardar who asked his friends to give him all their burnt out light bulbs? He just bought a camera and wanted to set up a Darkroom!
Banta Singh was painting his living room one hot day. "Why", his friend Santa Singh asked him, "are you wearing two jackets?" Because," said Banta Singh, "The directions on the can said to put on two coats."
A sardar was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day, he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile. Then the foreman asked him why he kept painting less each day, he replied, "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can."
"We're almost there," said the Santa Singh to Banta Singh. "See those two houses over there... mine's the one in the middle!"
Why does a Sardar keep empty beer bottles in his fridge? They're there for those who don't drink.
Why do sardars have see-through lunch box lids? So that when they're on the train, they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.
A sardar's response to the comment, "THINK about it!": "I don't have to think - I'm sardar!"
A sardar, a Japanese and a British were lost in the desert. They were driving around in a Jeep when it broke down. Because they had nothing else, they decided to take a piece of the Jeep as they continued their journey. The Japanese took the radiator, the British took the seat, and the sardar took the door. After a while of walking the British asked the Japanese, "I'm confused, why did you bring the radiator?" The Japanese responded, "If I get thirsty, I can drink the fluid." Next, the sardar asked the British, "Why did you bring the seat?" So the British said, "If I get tired, I am not going to sit on the sand. I can sit on this comfortable seat." Finally, the Japanese asked the sardar why he had chosen the door. The sardar quickly responded to this question, "Well, when it gets hot all I have to do is roll down the window."
Why couldn't the sardar write the number "eleven"? He didn't know which "one" came first...
Why does a sardar only change his baby's diaper once a month? Because it says right on the box "good for up to 20 pounds."
Did you hear about the sardar skydiver? He missed the Earth!

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it is important that we keep mentally alert. The saying: "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain.

Below is a very private way to gage your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still a MENSA candidate. OK, relax, clear your mind and... Begin.

What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: Bread. If you said, "toast", then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread", go to question two.

Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World". If you said, "water" then proceed to question three.

If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks", what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said "glass", then go on to question four.

Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately, the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?

Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.

If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?

Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.

Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for heaven sake! It was YOU, Read the first line!!!

When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that the pens would not work at zero gravity (Ink won't flow down to the writing surface). In order to solve this problem, they hired Andersen Consulting (Accenture today). It took them one decade and 12 million dollars. They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, under water, in practically any surface including crystal and in a temperature range from below freezing to over 300 degrees Celsius.
The Russians used a pencil.........

Windows Source Code

/* source code windows 2000 */
#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "win98.h"
#include "workst~1.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#include "monopoly.h"
#include "backdoor.h"
#define install = hard
char make_prog_look_big(16000000);
void main()
//if
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed)
// if
} //while
if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();
if (fast_cpu())
//if
/* printf("welcome to windows 3.1"); */
/* printf("welcome to windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("welcome to windows 95"); */
/* printf("welcome to windows nt 3.0"); */
/* printf("welcome to windows 98"); */
/* printf("welcome to windows nt 4.0"); */
printf("welcome to windows 2000");
if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt)
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp",o_create);
while(something)
// while
create_general_protection_fault();
} // main

Teacher's remarks that changed the history of physics:

Archimedes, you are late again. Don't tell me that you were locked again in the bathroom.

Copernicus, when will you understand that you are not the centre of the world?

Galileo, if you drop stones from the top of the tower one more time, you will be dismissed forever.

Kepler, till when will you keep staring at the sky.

Newton, please stop idling away under the apple tree.

Ohm, must you resist Ampere's opinion on current events.

Tesla, I see that everyone is attached to your magnetic personality.

Heisenberg, when will you be sure of yourself.

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Sardars had to leave Italy. Naturally, there was a big uproar from the Sardar community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Sardar community. If the Sardar won, the Sardars could stay. If the Pope won, the Sardars would leave.

The Sardars realized that they had no choice. So, they picked a middle-aged man named Santa Singh to represent them. Santa Singh asked for one condition to be added to the debate. To make it more interesting, the debate was to be conducted using sign language and neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Santa Singh and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Santa Singh looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Santa Singh pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Santa Singh pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Sardars can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Sardar community had crowded around Santa Singh. "What happened?" they asked. "Well", said Santa Singh, "First he said to me that the Sardars had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Sardars. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?", asked the crowd. "I don't know," said Santa Singh, "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

27) Two Liners

THE Taj Mahal would have not been so beautiful and everlasting if "SHAH JAHAN" had asked for three quotations and selected the lowest.

A meeting is to be held in jungle. The attendees are: Tiger, Bear, Snake, Elephant, Fox, Monkey, but it has not started yet. Why!!! Because the DONKEY is busy in reading this.

Arguing with your boss is like mud wrestling with a pig. After a while, you will realize that while you get dirty the pig actually enjoys it.

Good morning. have you done two of the most important things when you wake up? (a) PRAY: so that you may live. (b) TAKE A BATH: so that others may live!

God granted me one wish. I asked for WORLD PEACE. He said its impossible please ask for something else. I asked him to make you intelligent; he said, "Wait. let me try world peace!"

When TITANIC was drowning, an Italian asked sardarji, "how far is land?" Sardarji replied 2 kms. The Italian jumped in the sea and asked, "which direction?" Sardarji said "DOWNWARDS"!

Arz kiya hai... Khud ko kar buland itna ki himalaya ki choti pe ja pahunche aur khud khuda tuje pooche aabe ab utrega kaise?

A 4 apple, B 4 bada apple, C 4 chotta apple, D 4 delicious apple, E 4 eat apple, F 4 fine apple, G 4 great apple, H 4 . Himmat hai to puri kar ABCD!!!

Sharab ek bimari hai jo is samaj ko barbad kar rahi hai. Aao milkar is bimari ko khatam kare. Ek bottle tum khatam karna ek main karoonga. CHEERS!!!

Sardar orders a PIZZA. When waiter asks him whether he should cut into 4 or 8 pieces? He replies, "Yaar 4 hi kar de 8 khaya nahi jayega."

A. Taj Mahal kya cheez hai,

isse badi imarat banaunga,

Mumtaz to marke dafan hui thi,

tuzhe to mein zinda dafnaunga.

B. Sharif wo hai to badnaam mai bhi nahi,

bewafa wo hai to bewafa mai bhi nahi,

manzil pe aake kahati ho ki shadishuda hu,

to ye jaan lo ki kuwara mai bhi nahi.

C. Bhagwan ne tujhe bheja to bheja par aisa bheja ki bheje me bheja nahi bheja.

D. Main chahu tuje, tu chahe Kisi aur ko,

khuda kare aisa hi ho ki tu chahe jise, voh bhi chahe Kisi aur ko.

E. Dali Dali pe nazar Dali,

Jis ne bhi Dali buri nazar Dali,

Hum ne jis Dali pe nazar Dali,

Us Dali ko Mali ne kaat Dali.

F. Kal mare so aaj mar, aaj mare so ab,

har pal lakdiyaan mahangi hongi, tu marega kab.

Seven reasons to be careful of Children:

1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six ear olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

5. The children had been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, "There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer", or "That's Michael, He's a doctor." A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."

6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Because your feet ain't empty."

7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Real life IAS i.e. UPSC Exam 1998 Interview Questions and their Answers given by Candidates. oh, sorry! IAS Officers now.

Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC Topper)

Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23 Rank Opted for IFS)

Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?

A. Very large hands. (Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS)

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand. (UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES)

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?

A. No Problem, He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 98)

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what it will become?

A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2)

Q. What looks like half apple?

A. The other half. (UPSC - IAS Topper)

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast?

A. Dinner.

Q. What happened when wheel was invented?

A. It caused a revolution.

Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?

A. Liquid (UPSC 33 Rank)

Full Forms of some IT Companies:

1. NIIT: Not Interested in IT

2. WIPRO: Weak Input, Poor & Rubbish Output

3. HCL: Hidden Costs & Losses

4. TCS: Totally Confusing Solutions

5. INFOSYS: Inferior Offline Systems

6. HUGHES: Highly Useless Graduates Hired for Eating and Sleeping

7. BAAN: Beggars Association and Nerds

8. IBM: Implicitly Boring Machines

9. SATYAM: Sad And Tired Yelling Away Madly

10. PARAM: Puzzled And Ridiculous Array of Microprocessors

11. C-DOT: Coffee During Office Timings

12. AT&T: All Troubles & Terrible

13. CMC: Coffee, Meals and Comfort

14. DEC: Drifting & Exhausted Computers

15. BFL: Brainwash First and Let them go

16. DELL: Deplorable Equipment & lackluster

17. TISL: Totally Inconsistent Systems Ltd

18. PSI: Peculiar Symptoms of India

20. PATNI: Pathetic Appraisal Techniques, No Increments

21. HP: Hum Pagal

Love is like a Bird.

You hold it tightly. it dies,

You hold it lightly. it flies,

But if you hold it correctly.

It shits in your hand,

So stay away from it! 'n Enjoy