Marriage Jokes

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before marriage and after marriage.

MARRIAGE QUOTES

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out...'

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk d own the street bald and still think they are beautiful! I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Three indians get lost in the forest. They ask, what are we going to do, the first indian says, do like the white men. So the first indian shoots into the sky, waits an hour, nothing! Second indian shoots in the sky, waits an hour, and still nothing. The third indian shoot into the sky, waits a min. nothing, quickly shoots again, waits an hour, and nothing. He turns to the first indian and says, well now what. The first indian goes- I don't fucking know, you just wasted my last arrows.

Ukrainian opera, packed with indians, opera is going on, the quy singing, ohhhhh ohhh ohhhhhhh . getting near the end, the guy in the show pulls out a knife and stabs the woman in the opera, then starts singing, ohhh ohhh ohhh, what have I done. An indian stands up in the crowd and yells, you mother fucker, you just killed the best piece of ass in regina

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a >construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the >Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're >iN charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you >guys to make a big dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the >pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of >it?" The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a >fella that he awasa ina charge ofa supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I nocouldafinda him nowhere." Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you; I thought >I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad; boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ahcouldnay fin' him either." The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells "SUPPLIES"!!

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. She stands up in the front of the plane. Screaming, "I'm too young to die," She wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says He is gorgeous, Tall, Built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle,unbuttoning his shirt..one button at a time...No one moves...He removes his shirt..Muscles rippleacross his chest as he reaches her, he extends the arm holding his shirt out to the trembling woman,...And whispers:......"Iron this."

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I

can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks

"how long before I can get a haircut?

" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How

long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and

says, "About an hour and half."

The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says,

"Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut,

but then doesn't come back."

A little while later,

Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried. "This is my people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster! Our population will explode unless you help us!" "Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President. "I DO need your help," said Yeltsin, "could you possible send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?" "Why, certainly! I'll get on it right away!" said Clinton. "Oh, and one more small favour, please?" said Yeltsin. "Yes?" "Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin. "No problem," replied the President. With that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favour. You've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia." "Consider it done," said the President of Trojan. "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10" long and 4" wide." "Easily done. Anything else?" "Yeah," said the President, "Print, 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE--SMALL'!"

A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralysed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?" The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!" They stare at him and say, "That can't be!" He replies, "OK, let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?" "Yes, both of them!"

It was 5 o'clock in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in t 19519u2012t heir barracks. The drill sergeant walked in and bellowed, "This is a birthday suit inspection! I wanna see you all formed up outside and butt naked now!" The soldiers quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks. The sergeant walked out and yelled, "Close up the ranks and conserve your body heat!" The soldiers complied and moved closer together. The captain appeared with his swagger stick. He walked up to the first soldier and whacked him right across the chest. "Did that hurt?" he yelled. "No, Sir!" "Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!" The captain then walked up to the next soldier and whacked him right across the chest. "Did that hurt?" he yelled. "No, Sir!" "Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!" The captain was rather impressed with the toughness of the soldiers; so he walked up to a third soldier. The captain noticed that the soldier had an enormous erection, so naturally he gave his target a huge whack with the swagger stick. "Did that hurt?" he yelled. "No, Sir!" "Why not?" "Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"

There was a Nun who has to take the same bus journey every day, and every day at a certain stop, a punk got on the bus and started to hassle the nun for sex. And everyday the bus driver would have to throw the punk off the bus. One day, as the driver was throwing the punk off the bus, he said to him "look, if you really want to have sex with this nun, I know for a fact that she goes to St. Clare's church at midnight to pray. "Thanks" replied the punk. That night, the punk hid in the church and waited for the Nun. Sure enough, at midnight, the Nun came wandering in. The punk used some priests robes that he had stolen from the church and, disguising himself as priest said to the Nun "My child, I want you to have sex with me." "Well...OK" replied the nun, "But it's the wrong time of the month so you will have to take me from behind." "No Problem" replied the punk, and proceeded to shag the nun. When he had finished he took of his robes and shouted "Ah-ha! I'm the Punk!" Upon which the nun removed her robe and shouted "Ah-ha! I'm the bus driver!"

A little kid sits on Santa's lap, and Santa says, "What would you like for Christmas?" The kid says, "A fucking swing set." Santa says, "You'll have to ask nicer than that if you want Santa to bring you presents. Let's try again. What else would you like?" The kid says, "A fucking sandbox for the side yard." Santa says, "That's no way to talk to Santa. One more time. What else would you like for Christmas?" The boy thinks for a minute, and then he says, "I want a fucking trampoline in the front yard." Santa lifts the boy off his lap and goes to talk to the kid's parents. He tells them what the kid said, and then says, "I know how to stop it. Don't get him anything for Christmas except dog doo. Put a pile of dog doo in the backyard where he wants the swing set, put another pile in the side yard where he wants the sandbox, and another pile in the front yard where he wants the trampoline. That should make him change his tune." Christmas morning the kid goes downstairs to open his presents, and there aren't any. He runs out the back door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the side door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the front door, looks around, and comes back in, shaking his head. His father says, "What's wrong, son?" The kid says, "Santa brought me a fucking dog, but I can't find him."

A guy walks into a bar holding a little turtle. One of the turtle's eyes is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The bartender says, "What's wrong with your turtle?" The guy says, "Nothing. This turtle is very fast. Go and stand at the other end of the bar and call your dog. I'll bet you five hundred bucks that my turtle will be there before your dog." The bartender agrees, goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three he calls his dog. Suddenly the guy throws the turtle across the room, and it smashes! Into the wall. The guy says, "I told you it'd be there before your dog."

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man." When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop."

Ramon decides to change his gender; he saves his money for years and finally goes to the operation. One week later he returns to the bar, and now he/she is a beautiful blonde. His/her friend ask him/her "Hey tell us, how that operation was like?" "Well," he/she says, "it was the worst experience I had in my life!" "Why?" asks the friend. "Well, when they put on the tits, it was aching like hell. When they cut off my dick, I felt like I could die. But then the worst was when they started cutting half of my brain..."

The Millennium Party Sam has been in the newspaper business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbour from four miles over the ridge...Having a Millennium Party Friday Night ...Thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving, he stops, "Gotta warn you, there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Damn, Sam thinks... Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people." I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... Enoch stops in the door again and says, By the way, what should I wear? "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar-

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50

Chicken Sandwich: $2.50

Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "I am." The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich."

A guy dies and goes to hell. The devil meets him at the gate and says, "Alright, you have died and come to hell. You will spend eternity here, but you get to choose how to spend it. You may choose one of these three doorways. Once you choose a door, you may not change it. So let's get started." The devil opens Door One. The guy looks in and sees a couple of people standing on their heads on a Concrete floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on." The devil opens Door Two. The guy sees a few more people standing on their heads on a Wood floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on." The devil opens Door Three. The guy sees a bunch of people standing knee-deep in cow manure drinking coffee. The guy says, "Great, this is the one I will chose." The devil says, "OK, wait right here, I will get you some coffee." The guy settles in with his coffee thinking that this isn't so bad. What's the big deal? After about 10 minutes a voice comes over the loud speaker saying, "Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!"

A sports fan was sitting in the top row at the Super Bowl, barely able to see the field. He noticed a vacant seat about 3 rows back on the 50 yard line. It was still vacant when the 2nd quarter started, so he went down and asked the man seated next to it if anyone was sitting there. The man said, "No, have a seat." A few minutes later he asked the man if he knew whose seat this was and why they weren't here at such an important event. The man said that for ten years it had been his wife's seat but that she had passed away. Feeling sorry for the nice man, the fan asked if he didn't have a friend or family member that he could have offered the seat to instead of just leaving it vacant. The man said "No, they're all at the funeral."

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said, "You're so smart, you tell me!

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "`fascinate. `" Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word `fascinate. `" Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him. Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill. He thought he'd fire the employee who came to work late. The next morning, both employees came to work very early. So the manager thought he would fire the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break. Strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day. They both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait to see who would leave work earliest, but both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."

Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, Jake, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her Slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Jake," she whispered. "Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk." But she was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now." "No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father." Jake mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," he said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat. His wife said, "Where are you going?" He said, "I'm going to the doctor." And she said, "Why? Are you sick?" "No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills." So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?" She said, "I'm going to the doctor too." He said, "Why?" She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

One day, a man and wife went to a nudist beach with their son. The son went in the lake, went underwater and came back up. He ran over to his father and said, "Daddy, all those men's pee-pees are bigger than yours." The father replied, "Well, they say the bigger the pee-pee, the dumber the person." So the boy went wandering for a while, and came back and asked his mother, "Mommy, all those ladies' boobies are bigger than yours." She replied, "Well, they say the bigger the boobies, the dumber they are." So the boy went wandering for awhile and then went back to his mother and said, "Mommy, Daddy's talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the more he talks, the dumber he gets!"

Little Johnny comes home with a homework paper to do. He asks his dad to help him write about the difference between theory and reality. His dad says, "Go to your Mom and ask her if she would sleep with another man for a million dollars. "Little Johnny does as he is told, and Mom says, "Well, yes, I suppose I would." His dad then says, "Now go ask your big sister if she would sleep with another man for a million dollars. "Little Johnny does this too, and Sis says, "Yes, I suppose I would." Little Johnny and his dad then sit down, and Dad says; "Now son, you've learned the difference between theory and reality. In theory, we're sitting on two million dollars. In reality, we're living with a couple of whores."

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..." "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..." "Three? Well, when were they?" he asked. "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" "Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?" "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?" "I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?" "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short...?"

A priest was trying to raise money for his parish and being told there was good money to be had in horse racing he decided to buy a race horse and run it in local races. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was so high that the priest settled on a donkey instead. The priest figured that since he had purchased the donkey he might as well race it. To his great surprise, the donkey did very well and came in third place. The next day the racing sheets carried this headline: PRIEST SHOWS ASS The priest was so pleased that he decided to enter the donkey the following week and this time the donkey won first place. The headline said: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT The Bishop was so outraged with this publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in any more races. The headlines read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give the donkey to a nun in a local convent. The headlines read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN The bishop fainted. When he came around he ordered the nun to dispose of the donkey immediately. The nun searched and finally found a farmer to take the donkey for ten dollars. The headlines read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN DOLLARS they buried the bishop the next day.

There were these three nuns that were killed in a traffic accident, and immediately sent to the Pearly Gates. As St. Peter was looking over their files, he said, "You ladies have been very good, but before I can let you in, you have to answer a question." So he asks the first nun, "What was the name of the first man that God created?" "Adam," she replied. The lights started flashing, music started playing, the angels started singing, and then two angels came out and gave the nun her halo and wings, and off she went into the Pearly Gates. Then St. Peter asked the second nun, "What was the name of the name of the first woman that God created?" "Eve," the nun said. And the lights started and two angels came out and gave the nun her halo and wings, and off she went into the Pearly Gates. Then St. Peter asked the third nun, "What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?" The nun, clearly confused, started scratching her head, and replied, "Gee, that's a hard one." And the lights started flashing, the music started playing...

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each on in turn. When he finished them, he comes back into to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in American, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawn in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!"

Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hillary said to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker." Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances." Hillary asked, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?" "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can." That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slipped into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and she was ready for him! She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine. Bill rolled over and asked, "Janet, is that you?"

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby. I want bigger boobies.'" She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why, yes, I do. How did you know?" "Hickory dickory dock...."

A guy walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?" The redneck answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, hell, I figure if I have to roll my own, she can too!"

There were three girls and they were all going to get executed. One was a brunette, one was a blond, and the last was a red head. First the brunette stood in front of the executioner. He said any last words and she said no. The Executioner said ready aim... and the brunette says EARTHQUAKE and they all hide and she escapes. Next the red head comes up in front of the executioner and he says again any last words, she says no. The executioner says ready aim... and the red head says TORNADO. And they all hide and she gets away. The blond has gotten an idea to get her out of it just like the others, so Last the blond comes in front of the executioner and he says any last words she says no. He says ready aim... and the blond says FIRE!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What's politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. Now your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his Father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

A Marine colonel, on his way home from work at the Pentagon, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He noticed a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer what's the hold up?" The officer replied, "The President is just so depressed about the thought of moving with Hillary to New York that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the money to pay for the new house. We're taking up a collection for him." "Oh really? How much do you have so far?" "About three hundred gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

An unemployed man goes into the employment agency:
Unemployed (Un): Hello, I need a job.
Employment Agency Official (EAO): Well, lets see what we have... (Flips through some files). Yes I have a job here - washing dishes at a restaurant.
Un: No, No, No... I don't like getting my hands dirty.
EAO: OK lets see what else we have...Oh yes there is an opening for a security guard night shift.
Un: No, No, No... I need my beauty rest, and anyway I'm a coward.
EAO (getting annoyed): OK, look there is a job here as a government clerk, the hours are short, the pay is quite good and you get lots of benefits.
Un: No, No, No... I can't work for this government, I voted for the opposition.
EAO (pissed off): OK, look; I have something for you that involves sex and travel.
Un (getting excited): Yes, Yes, Yes...
EAO: F*ck Off!

A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when a large Rottweiler mounted from behind her dog. The Rottweiler was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail. A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rottweiler's butt, and the action immediately stopped. The lady was amazed. "How did you do that?" she asked. The little boy said, "That's my dog! He can dish it out, but he can't take it!"

One day three men were walking through the desert desperate for water, when they came across a house. They knocked on the door and an 800 pound woman answered the door. The men said that they were in desperate need of some water and asked if she had any to spare. The women said yes but you have to have sex first. One of the men agreed to the offer. As the women was in the bathroom taking off her clothes the man found an ear of corn. He decided to use the ear of corn. When they were all done he threw the corn out the window. The man asked the women for his water. She refused to give the water to him unless he did her one more time. Once again while she was in the bathroom he found another ear of corn. He decided to do the same thing with that ear of corn. When they were done he threw that one out the window as well. The man asked for the water again and she gave the water to him. As the man walked out the door, he said to his two friends that he got some water from the lady. The two men said that they had something better. The man asked what they had. They replied, "We found two ears of corn already buttered!"

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. "On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts.  Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, and roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bull's eye in your wife's love canal.  Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be.  I cannot help. "The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us." "Well, OK", the doctor said.  "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerio's..."

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him, "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

Mike, Frank and Joe were out shopping for their wives Christmas presents one morning. They all decide to meet in the food court later that afternoon to compare gifts. A few hours go by and the three of them finally hook up. Mike says to Frank, "So what did ya get your wife for Christmas?" Frank replies, "Oh, I got her a pearl necklace and a scarf. If she doesn't like the necklace she can hide it behind the scarf." "Great idea", Mike says. So Frank asks Mike what he got his wife for Christmas? Mike replies, "Oh I got her a damn diamond ring and a pair of gloves. If she doesn't like the ring she can cover it up with gloves." "Yea, Yea, good idea Mike", say's Frank. So Mike and Frank look at the Joe sitting there very quietly and ask him what he got his wife for Christmas?  Joe say's, "I went and bought her a damn toaster and a dildo."  Mike and Frank look at each other puzzled and ask why those two gifts? Joe relies "If she don't like the toaster she can go screw herself!!!"

Three guys were drinking in a bar when a drunk came in, staggered up to them, and pointed at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mamma's the best lay in town!" Everyone expected a fight, but the guy ignored him and the drunk wandered off and bellied up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk came back, pointed at the same guy, and said, "I just screwed your mamma, and it was sweet!" Again the guy refused to take the bait and the drunk wandered off. Ten minutes later, he came back and announced, "Your mamma even let me...." Finally the guy interrupted "Go home Dad, you're drunk!"

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic! Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis, and his discomfort was quickly building. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastically, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder? I... I mean the cow seems to be in a lot of pain." "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "the machine was programmed to release automatically once it's collected two gallons of milk."

An old man went into the confession booth at the Catholic church and told the priest: "I am 82 years old and have been faithfully married to the same woman for 55 years, but last night I had the time of my life with two 18 year old twin sisters." The Priest replied, as he mopped the sweat from his brow: "How long has it been since you've been to confession?"
The old man said: "I've never been to confession, I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Then what are you doing here, telling me this."
Old man: "Hey, I'm telling everybody."

It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court; the Police had rounded up the usual collection of streetwalkers and brought them before the Judge. Three hookers stood before him, all arrested on the same corner. He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself. The woman was irate, "I don't know what all this is about, your Honour. I'm a college student doing research for a term paper." The Judge sighed and said, "Well, Miss, I would have thought you'd done enough 'research' by now. My computer says you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250 fine." He then turned to the second lady and requested that she testify. The woman began crying softly and said, "Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I have no idea why I was arrested." This time, the Judge shook his head and said, "Well, young lady, the officer tells me that he saw you hand a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' in his new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine." He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation. The woman said simply, "I'm a hooker." Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said, "How's business?" She sneered and replied, "Terrible Judge, with all these students and housewives around, competition is really tough!"

"Doc" says Arthur, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?", asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done", replies Arthur. "But have you thought it through properly?", asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!" "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind - either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor." "Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!" So Arthur has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there", says Arthur, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." "Well", said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised." Arthur stared at him in horror. "Damn, THAT'S the word!!!"

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent which is being renovated, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior
is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door, and a man enters. "Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"
Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, 'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.' 'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.' Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. 'Raymond, do you have the bottle opener?' Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.' Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, 'Just for that, I'm not going.'

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light". After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh shit, am I driving?"

A beautiful blonde gets on an airplane going to Los Angeles and sits in First Class. The flight attendant tells her that her ticket is for a coach seat and would she please go to her proper seat. The blonde says; "I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to Los Angeles first class." "I'm sorry," says the flight attendant, "but your ticket is for coach and this seat was paid for by someone else." At which the blonde says; "I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to Los Angeles first class." The flight attendant goes to the pilot with the problem. The pilot walks up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes back to her coach seat. The flight attendant askes the pilot what she said to the blonde. "It's simple," says the pilot. "I told her that first class wasn't going to Los Angeles."

A guy goes over to his buddy's house, rings the bell, but his buddy's wife answers. "Hi is Tony home?" "No he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No come in." They sit down and the friend says, "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Nora thinks about this for a second an figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Nora thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and he leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and asks, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why DO you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he couldn't communicate with me."

A young Navy 2nd Lieutenant had just arrived at Naval Amphibious Base in Coronado, California. He'd been given a beautiful renovated office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw an enlisted man come into his outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the Lieutenant picked up the phone and started to pretend he was exchanging chitchat with the Base Commander. He threw Captain's and Admiral's names around and talked about letting them stay at his Daddy's ranch in Arizona, and then set up a golfing date between him, the Commander, and the CO's of the Naval Security Group and Naval Air Facility. Finally he hung up and asked the Sergeant, "Can I help you Ensign?" The ENS said, "Yes sir, I'm here to activate your phone lines."

A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. Her biggest fear was there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.
Mary... Mary....
Is that you Fred?
Yes, I have come back like we agreed.
What is it like?
Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bath in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again.
Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.
Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas!

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate. "Hey, Willis," he called out, "forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I'll help you overturn the wagon." "That's very nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Dad would like me to." "Aw, come on, son!" the farmer insisted. "Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, "but Dad won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad's going to be real upset." "Don't be silly!" said the neighbour. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon," replied Willis.

Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight? His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with." They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?". His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!". "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball." Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?". His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels. At this, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Roger!"

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

It's after dinner when a man realizes he's out of cigarettes. He decides to pop down to the local bar for a pack, telling his wife he'll be right back. He's persuaded by the bartender to share a cold one. As he's nursing it a gorgeous blond comes in the door, but he looks the other way. She comes over and sits down. One thing leads to another and she invites him home. Back at her place they screw like rabbits until the next thing he knows it's four o'clock in the morning. Jumping out of bed, he shakes the woman awake, asking if she has any baby powder. "In the bathroom cabinet" she says. He dusts his hands, drives home at ninety, and pulls into
the driveway to find his wife waiting up for him, rolling pin in hand. "So where the hell have you been?" she screams. "Well, you see honey," he stammers, "I only went out for cigarettes, but Jake offered me a beer and then this beautiful blonde walked in and we got to talking and drinking and I ended up back at her place making love..." "Wait a minute" snapped his wife, "let me see your hands." Turning on him furiously, she says, "Don't lie...you've been bowling again!"