A boy is marooned on a desert island, and survives
for another 10 or 15 years, when one day a young woman shows up, also
apparently marooned. She asks him, "So, what do you do around here?"
He replies something like, "Oh, pick coconuts, do a little fishing, and
dig for clams." She asks, "What about sex?" Since he was
marooned as a little boy, he has no idea. "Sex? What's that?" So she
proceeds to demonstrate. "So, what do you think?" she queries.
"Well, it felt real good, but look what you did to my clamdigger!"
A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says, "I wish you had a flashlight."He says, "Why's that?" She says, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes."
Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off
dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty
dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away."
A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 tequilas. The
bartender asked, "what's wrong," and the guy says that he just found
out that his younger son is gay. The bartender says, "he's sorry about
it." After a couple of days the guy comes back and orders 15 tequilas. The
bartender asked, "What's wrong now," to which the guy responds That
he found out that his older son was gay, too. The bartender says that he's
sorry. The guy returned a few days later and ordered 20 tequilas. The bartender
burst out, "Isn't anyone in your family gettin'
any pussy?!" The guy gets really pissed and says, "Yeah, my
wife!!!!!"
Cold Hands
A couple decided to Alaska for a romantic weekend.When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife
asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. He came in after 5
minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your
hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and went back outside to finish
chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said " honey my
hands are cold again". So she tells him here put your hands between my
thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more
wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, "honey my hands
are cold again". She then said, " Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"
One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around
town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says
"Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like
that?" Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!" Sheriff
says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story. Billy-Bob
continues "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we
started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did."
"Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty
hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we
did." "Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and the
Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I
took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay on
the ground and opened her legs and said "Okay Billy-Bob, go to
town..."
This beautiful woman
one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how
stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor
begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing
now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on
top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know
what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night
duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours
ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he
undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.
Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go
down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin?
I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark
room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the
pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I
know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer. "Well what the heck are you doing
all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
This nun was going to
So she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, a card came out
and said, your nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to
So she went back to the machine put her nickel in another card came out and it
said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going
to break wind. She thinks I know it's wrong now I've never broke wind in public
a day in my life, well she tripped and fell off the scales and FARTED like a
bay mule. So she sat back down and looked at the machine once again. She said
to herself this is truly unbelievable, I've got to try it again.
She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and a card came out and said,
your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to
have sex. She said ah-hah that does it I know for sure its wrong now, I'm a
nun, ain't ever had none, and ain't
ever gonna get none. Well a huge electrical storm
came through and the electricity went off and she got raped... She sat back
down and thought about it for few minutes and then said this is truly, truly,
incredible. But one thing is for certain, I've got to try it again just to see
what is gonna happen to me before I leave this
airport.
She went over to the machine put her nickel in and a card came out and it said.
Your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled, farted, fucked around and
missed your flight to
Frog
This guy walks into the bar and sees a gorgeous
blonde sitting on a bar stool all alone. So the guy sits down next to her and
pulls a small box from his pocket. He opens it and there's a frog inside. The
blonde says, "He's cute, but does he do tricks?" The guy says,
"Yea, he licks pussy." So after talking with her for several minutes,
he convinces her to come with him to his apartment. They get there and she
takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy
sets the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at all.
the blond says, "Well? what's up?" The frog still does not move. So
the guy leans over to the frog and says, "All right, I'm only going to
show you how to do this one more time!"
One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he
noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second
hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog,
and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the
man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse."My wife," the man replied."I'm
sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her
and she died." Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The
man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."
Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I
borrow your dog?" To which the man replied, "Get in line."
Woman rushes into her house one morning and yells
to her husband,
"Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!"
"Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
"Whatever. Just so you're out of the house by noon!"
Meet The Parents
Well, one night a boy and his girlfriend are out on
a date and as the boy pull in his girlfriends drive-way to let her out she
tells him to come over the next night for dinner and meet her parents. The boy
agrees and the girl says to him that after dinner they will make love. Well the
boy agrees and as he is on his way home, he thinks to himself ,"This will
be my first time sleeping with someone, so before I go over to her house ill
stop by the pharmacy and buy some condoms". Well that day went by and they
young boy was on his way to the pharmacy , and as he purchased the condoms the
pharmacist gives him a mean look, the boy thinks nothing of it and goes on.
Well, when the boy is at his girlfriends house, her mother asks him to say the
blessing before dinner, well the boy is going on and on about stuff during the
prayer and his girlfriend leans to him and says " I didn't know you were
such a religious person" and the boy says back " I didn't know your
dad is a pharmacist".
New Technology
Three men were sitting naked in a sauna.Suddenly there was a ring tone and the first man
pressed his wrist and put it up to his ear,speaking
into it. The others looked bemused until he explained that it was the latest
cell phone that was so tiny it could be implanted under the skin. Time passed
and the second man suddenly pressed his ear lobe and listened intently. He
looked around and explained that he was checking his voicemail. The third man
was a little put out that he had no gadgets himself so he thought for a moment,
then went out of the room. He returned moments later with a piece of toilet
paper hanging out of his bottom.He looked around and
"Oh look, I've got a fax coming through"!
A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks
like this...
'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from
me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her
door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I
won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
Office Christmas Party
After the annual office Christmas party blow-out,
John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to
recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was
able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of
him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was
it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You
made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of
directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."
"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"
"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he
fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
Old Accountant
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his
wife one Friday evening that reads...
Dear Wife,
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel
with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary."
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as
follows...
Dear Husband,
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater
Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. AND, you, being an
accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes
into 18."
Old Maid
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of
her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her
last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted
the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a
virgin, died as a virgin."
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men
what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods
they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply
wrote: "Returned unopened."
An old millionare bussinesman gets
married to a beautiful young lady and on their first night of marriage makes
love to her but she doesn't have an orgasm! This happens for many nights in a
row until eventually he goes to a sex doctor. "Doctor I can't make my wife
orgasm" he informs the him.
"Well, why don't you hire a young stud to stand over the bed and wave a
towel while you make love to her." is the doctors suggestion.
"Ok Doc, I'll try"
So back to his wife he goes with a young stud and makes love to his wife while
the young man stands above the bed and waves a towel, but still no orgasm!
Back to the doctor he goes and he is advised to make the stud stand naked and
wave the towel!Back to his wife he goes and again no
orgasm, by this time the old man is really annoyed!So
for the last time he goes to the doctor and this time he is told to reverse the
roles and let the young man make love to his wife while he waves the towel.So off he heads home and lets the stud make love to
his wife. After a long, hard session the wife has a screaming orgasm, in fact
she has mutiple orgasms!! The old millionare
taps the young man on the shoulder with a hugh grin
and says, "See, thats how you wave the
towel!!!"
There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an
itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells
her she has crabs.
She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the
doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.
The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and
said "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have
crabs because I'm a virgin".
The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news. The
good news is you don't have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and
you have fruit flies."
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
Sperm Robery
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
A man and woman were dating and he asked her to marry him. She told him to prove his love to her she wanted him to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. When it was erect is said Wendy and when it was limp if said Wy. They got married and went to Jamaica to a nude beach for their honeymoon. Wendy told her husband to go get them a drink so he went to a stand on the beach and noticed the man who was waiting on him also has a Wy on his penis. He said oh you must have a wife named Wendy to and the waiter said no mine says Welcome to Jamaica man have a nice day!!!
One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to
be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to
heaven right away.
He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and
that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound,
stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it.
Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So
off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.As
he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead.
Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he
approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I
cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of
money...even more then you did."
They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they
have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass
the time.
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their
own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend
Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous
supermodel / centerfold.
Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend
Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were
stuck with these god-awful women.
Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has
been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years
of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one
thing that I can't seem to understand. After everytime
we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income
taxes!"
Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"
The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's
top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male
patient was masturbating.
"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the
meaning of this???"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man
has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he
doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely
die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a
blow job.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex
all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the
bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each
other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in
front of many people for every penny you've got.
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.
Three sisters wanted to get married, but their
parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also
couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new
hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.
When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she
went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her
youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter,
"Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom
you always told me if something hurt I should scream."
"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you
laughing so much last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you
should laugh."
"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter.
"Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk
with my mouth full."
One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell
rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you
want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know
Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred
buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks!
She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks
her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and
guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give
you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why
not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him,
"You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200
bucks he owes me?"
As an ultimate test of his will power, a man
decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife
agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too
difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore
her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last
couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to
locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.
Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.
"KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"
Husband: "Guess whom?"
Wife: "I know who it is!"
Husband: "Guess what I want?"
Wife: "I know what you want!"
Husband: "Guess what I'mknocking with?"
Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math
class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a
shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud
noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I
like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come
out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking
it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee
Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger,
but I like the way you're thinking!"
A husband and his wife who have been married 20
years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ
grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So
the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this
grill" She ignores the remark.
A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill,
then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end
and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the
grill!" She ignores this remark as well.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife
calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up
the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."
A woman walks into the store and purchases the
following: 1 small box of detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yogurt
2 oranges
1 stick of women's deodorant.
She then goes to the check out line.
Cashier: Oh, you must be single
Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
Cashier: No, you're fucking ugly!
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