11 Rules of Work Etiquette For The Boss
1. Do not sniff my food. I understand that you were
curious as to what "smelled so good," and noticed that I was eating
lunch. If you wish to ask me about my meal, or even inquire about my interest
in cooking, that is fine. But do not, under any circumstances, grab my food and
hold it within an inch of your cracked, runny nose, and haunt me with the image
of god knows what sort of skin and snot particles floating onto my food. I eat
lunch in the office because I'm way too poor to eat out on the salary you pay
me. Unlike the rest of the staff, I am not morbidly obese. If you keep putting
your face in my food, I won't eat it, and I will slowly wither away. That would
be bad.
2. Do not get mad at me for things that happened before I started working
here. I began in September. SEPTEMBER. August
happens BEFORE SEPTEMBER. June and July happen even before August. If something
was not filed or processed 14114o1415o properly in August, and I was not informed of it in
SEPTEMBER, you cannot, under any circumstances, yell at me for not doing it in
August. When I point this out, you cannot tell me to "stop being
defensive."
3. I cannot read your mind. If I could read minds, I would not be
working here. I would have my own little psychic counseling services office, or
an elaborate blackmailing scheme, or I'd hide out near ATMs and find out
people's pin numbers. Maybe I'd write a brilliant screenplay based on my
real-life mind-reading antics. However, since I DO NOT have this skill, do not get mad at me when I do not know everything
that you are thinking. For example, if you give me a list of names and tell me
to send a form letter to that list, I will do just that. I cannot know that
some of these people are deceased, or our now married. When I prepare to send
the form letter out to these deceased/married people, do not ask why I haven't
removed the dead people from the list, or why its not
addressed to the person and their new spouse. I don't know these people.
4. Do not call me a "little shit." I know you are trying to
establish some sort of joking camaraderie with me, but it's really
unprofessional. Just because you treat me like shit, does not mean you can call
me a little shit. At least not to my face. Insults to
coworkers and employees are reserved for those quiet moments at home, or to be
expressed in anonymous mediums where no one can find you out, you dried-up,
controlling, obsessive-compulsive freak.
5. Do not get mad when other people don't understand you. You are
horribly inarticulate. I do not know how you made it this far. It truly amazes
me. At any rate, somehow you've climbed the corporate ladder despite using a
vocabulary (excuse me: "word list") of about 500 words. This makes
you almost impossible to understand (because, as I noted
above, I can't read your mind). Considering this, do not become upset when you
say "The thing...the thing on the thing. The new thing.
The new thing for the people that you made on the computer." and I don't
know what you're talking about. This statement was not put in any sort of
context, and if it had been, it will still make no fucking sense. Are you
referring to something that I made on the computer for some group of people? Is
this thing a file, spreadsheet, or some other document? Who are these people?
Are they newly married or deceased? Or are you referring to something that is
intended for a group of people who I created on my computer? I'm sure you can
understand my confusion.
6. Do not laugh maniacally when you pass off a task to me. I understand
that you are thrilled you don't have to do the craptacular
projects you now have me to complete, but please do not gloat in my face. Also,
do not share this glee with other workers who are thrilled to be relieved of
the same burden. The statement "Ha ha!
Now we don't have to do (insert menial task here) because it's his
responsibility" does not create a positive work environment. At least not for me.
7. Do not give me contradictory information. Also, do not get mad when I
only succeed in doing half of what you asked, because attempting to do all of
what you asked would create a paradox, and I'm pretty sure a vortex in
space-time continuum would open up and swallow me whole. Which I wouldn't
really mind that much. At any rate, do not tell me to "take more
initiative" and then get mad when I'm "wasting time on my own
projects." Do not tell me to finish eating my lunch, and then we'll talk,
and immediately proceed to start lecturing me on my next project, and expect me
to take notes. While I am taking notes, do not take this opportunity to stick
your nose in my now un-guarded food.
8. Do not ask me to carry out tasks that you have no idea of how to
complete. We don't have records that go back ten years. When
you ask me to find out financial information for the last ten years that is
impossible. Those records don't exist. Our records only go back 8 years.
Please don't insist that I find some way of getting information for these other
two years, and when I ask you how, do not scream "I don't know! I don't
know!" Also, do not get mad that I didn't create these records ten years ago. I
started working here in SEPTEMBER (see no.2)
9. Do not treat me badly because I'm thin. I understand that my
coworkers' girth exceeds mine, sometimes exponentially. This does not mean you
can avoid me or make catty comments like, "Oh, she doesn't EAT this sort
of thing" because I won't partake in your artificially flavored cheese
product snack treats. Everyone's sausage-fingered hands have dug in that bag,
and it's now a petri dish that will likely lead to
diarrhea, vomiting, and possibly E coli. Do not expect me to eat it.
10. Don't expect me to adhere to your OCD whims. I understand I
abbreviated "Street" on one letter and spelled it out on the next.
This is because I'm copying and pasting from a list you provided me.
I've sent out three hundred letters today. I will not go through each one and
spell out "Street" just so you feel better. Twitch away, my dear, but
when you're not around I not only abbreviate "Street" but also
"Lane", "Road", and even "Way." That's right.
Suck my balls. Or rather, Sk. my blls.
11. Do not expect me to stay here for years. This will only make it more
pathetic when I leave. I know you think you've found some sort of savior- a
scapegoat who will take all your shit for barely above minimum wage, but I've
got some sad news. In a few months, I'll be gone. Out of
here. You might get two weeks notice, or I might just leave. I'm looking
for work as we speak. I actually spend hours each day at the office browsing
jobs sites for a better job. I'm mailing an application out with one of your
stamps. And when I leave, you will be so royally fucked. I've revamped the
filing system and all of our records. It's so ridiculously complicated only I
can decipher it. You'll be so confused you won't know where your ass is when
you need to wipe it.
If you follow these rules, maybe the next person you sucker into working for
you won't try and screw you so badly.
P.S I'm stealing from the company.
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