INCREASONG SELF AWARENESS

INCREASONG SELF AWARENESS

STEP THREE: Learn all you can about personality (ch. 9), self-concept (ch. 6), personal dynamics (chs. 7 & 8) and interpersonal relations (chs. 9 & 10).

Learn about psychology but realize there is an enormous gulf between psychological book-learning and practical, usable wisdom. The gulf is primarily "practice, practice, practice" in terms of applying the principles to your own life. Learn about cases--real human lives--and ask yourself: "Could that be true of me too?" Make use of the methods in chapter 15 for increasing your self-awareness.

STEP FOUR: Explore the many conflicting parts and ro 17517g63r les that make up your self.

"Know thyself" surely means being aware of your personality--all the complex parts: "parent," "adult," "child," "internal critic," "self-monitor," and many other facets. Be sure to consider the possible future selves discussed in method #1 and in chapter 4. How do you recognize the parts? First become familiar with the parts and roles as described in chapter 9 and other personality books. Then, notice your behavior: the kind of words you use, how you feel, and your goals. Notice your relationships with others: when are you dominant? when submissive? when angry, scared, fun-loving, serious, mature, emotional, etc.? Notice your attitudes: when do you feel OK, when not OK? when are others OK, when not OK? when do you feel loved, unloved, nurturing, selfish, confident, helpless, etc.? Notice your expectations about your future: what are you hoping to do in the future--what are your expected strengths? What are you afraid will happen--what are your weaknesses?

Notice the conflicts between parts. Observe how you resolve the conflicts. From chapters 9 and 15 try to figure out your life scripts, games, and defenses. Consider the possibility that everything is true of you (see chapter 15). Self-exploration takes a life-time.

STEP FIVE: Use skills learned in chapter 13--listening, empathy, caring and self-disclosure--to increase your closeness with others. Ask a variety of others for honest feedback.

We increase our understanding of ourselves by close and intimate interaction with others, many others. We would have little faith in feedback from others unless we felt they knew our true selves, which means we must have disclosed our intimate feelings to them. People who have not disclosed their real selves to others often don't know their real selves. The more of our real selves we have shared with others (and been accepted), the more likely we are to accept ourselves. The better we understand others, the better we can understand ourselves. And, the reverse, the better we understand ourselves, the better we understand others. However, this doesn't mean that close friends will always give us the most accurate feedback.

To keep growing, we need continuing, honest feedback. Friends and lovers like us and tend to agree with us, they support and compliment us, overlooking our weaknesses. Some true friends will tell us the truth, not what we want to hear, but many do not unless we ask for frank answers. Other true friends can't tell us the truth because they need and use the same defenses we do. There is a saying, "Blessed are our enemies, for they tell us the truth." Sometimes slightly outsiders, such as older people, relatives, authorities, teachers, counselors or casual acquaintances, can be the best sources of information about your true self if they think you genuinely want honest feedback.

Growth groups use a good exercise for getting feedback: ask each person to anonymously list two positive traits and two negative traits (or 2 suggestions for improvement) for every other person in the group. The leader reads aloud the descriptions for each person. You can take notes about how the others see you, then share how you feel about the feedback and ask for clarification.

Adler said we came to know and like ourselves by developing our capacity to care for others. Maybe we must love others before we can love ourselves...or is it the reverse? Maybe both loves (for others and for ourselves) grow together. It is pretty clear that one of the enormous pay offs for being good is self-respect.

A little girl was returning from the house next door where her friend had just died and her father asked, "Where have you been?" "Next door," she answered. "Why did you go there?" asked the father. "To comfort the mother," said the girl. "How could you do that?" he asked. "I climbed into her lap and cried with her."
-Anonymous

STEP SIX: Take personality tests that will confirm or question your notions about yourself.

Just as feedback from others is a way of getting to know yourself, similarly taking psychological tests is another good way of discovering more about ourselves. The details of this method are dealt with in chapter 15.

STEP SEVEN: A healthy, attractive body in good condition contributes to self-respect.

People who exercise and stay in shape are less depressed and more self-accepting (McCann & Holmes, 1984).

STEP EIGHT: Work on self-actualization; in order to excel, which usually means doing better than anyone else expected of you, it takes hard work and courage.

Lastly, keep in mind that "knowing thyself" at this moment is only a part of a life-long endeavor to create a self you admire. Insight is not the end goal, changing is the goal. Changing into what? Your choice. But see the characteristics of a mature, self-actualized person in chapter 9. Consider striving for those traits. Remember from chapter 6 that happiness is related to being a good person, job satisfaction, family satisfaction, education, income and status as well as self-esteem.

Give yourself a chance to strive for excellence--dream big and go for it. Keep in mind: when your achievements merely meet expectations, that is nice (you haven't failed), but it is only when you achieve well beyond everyone's expectations that you are really successful and feel great. So set your sights high. It takes courage to face the risk of failure. It takes a strong will to accomplish hard jobs.

There are many inspiring stories of triumph over adversity. The story of Abraham Lincoln is one. He had failed in business twice and lost an election by the time he was 24. He had also lost his mother early in life, lost a lover (at 29), reluctantly married a neurotic woman (32), lost his father (43), and lost a child (53). Although elected to the state legislature (25) and U. S. Congress (at 37 for one term only), he lost elections as speaker (29), congressman (twice--34 & 39), senator (twice--45 & 49), and vice-president of the United States (47). Lincoln in his late twenties and early thirties suffered such severe depression that friends took away his knives and razors. Yet, he learned to handle his defeats to become one of our most sensitive, humble, and greatest presidents (51-56).

Time involved

Self-confrontation and seeing ourselves realistically are life-long endeavors. There are so many parts of our selves and some parts are so well hidden that the exploration is never completed. Nevertheless, some of us are far more "aware" than others. But changing from moderately unaware to very aware would ordinarily take months or a few years of concerted efforts. Perhaps the most dramatic transformations are among people who have had extensive psychotherapy or who have gone through several years of training in clinical psychology.

Common problems

Much of this method is similar to the methods in chapter 15. The barriers and resistance to uncovering unpleasant characteristics about ourselves are the same. Most people will quickly "brush off" these ideas. The best you can hope for is a continuing awareness of these tendencies (self-aggrandizement, excuses, fears) so that you can remain on guard against their getting out of control.

Reading can open our eyes but getting feedback from others is probably the most common way of finding out about ourselves. It isn't that others explicitly tell you a lot about yourself, more often the views of others are eked out as a result of interactions. For instance, other people's behavior have implications to and about us: if others are unfriendly, we start to wonder what about us keeps them at a distance. If others impose on us for favors, we question why and so on. These are valuable insights.

Effectiveness, advantages and dangers

There is almost no scientific evidence that reading about various self-deceptions and fears (steps 1 and 2) or about psychology in general leads to self-insight and a more realistic self-concept. But since psychotherapy and group therapy do alter many peoples' self-concept, then ideas via reading probably do too. Frankly, I doubt if many people are interested in thinking much about their self-deceptions, their fears that enable them to remain unchanged, and their conflicting parts. That's the big disadvantage of this method. There are no known dangers, except that an already overly self-critical person could use these traits against him/herself.