Recognize the barriers to growing, learning, and being the best one can be.
Sometime
changes, even self-improvements and career advancements, can be more scary than
satisfying. A person may feel fairly content day to day but over a period of
time become concerned that he/she is in a rut, unable to make his/her life
better. There are two kinds of barriers to change: (a) it is comfortable
to just be yourself and (b) fears can be a barrier to succeeding. This
comfort with you 19319o143t rself can be a problem, e.g. suppose you have a terrible
temper. You have learned over the years to accept being "hot
headed"--it is part of your self-concept. You may not like your temper but
it is an established, permitted part of you. Criminals sometimes feel they were
meant to defy the law and be punished. Students sometimes think of themselves
as poor readers or writers or test-takers and readily accept low grades. Our
self-concept develops over the years--it is us. Any challenge to our view of
ourselves is threatening, something to be resisted. For instance, if a normally
mild tempered person flies into a rage, he may say, "I wasn't
myself." We protect our self-concept. There is a tendency to continue
acting out our self-concept; this inhibits change. Now, let's consider several
fears that also inhibit change.
(1) The fear of growing up. As we outgrow the
relaxed, pleasure-oriented habits of childhood, we are expected to become more
reasonable, more responsible, and more mature. Being grown up may mean giving
up an easy life, working steadily, exercising self-control, taking care of
others, being assertive, overcoming shyness, making sure things get done, etc.
These changes can be a hassle and even scary.
(2) The fear of success. If you prove you can
do something well, people will expect it of you all the time. Show you can fix
delicious desserts and you'll be asked to make them. Show you can take good
notes and you will become the secretary. Show you can make the best grade in
the class and the teacher as well as your parents will expect it every time. If
you are successful, you may acquire more responsibilities and expose yourself
to more hurts. Be successful on the job and you will be given more to do. Be
successful in love and you are in jeopardy of being dumped (or having children
to support). Do well in school and you will be expected to continue in school
until you do poorly.
(3) The fear of excelling. Maslow, who
studied self-actualizers, i.e. creative, outstanding achievers, thought that many
of us fear and dislike successful people...and, thus, we may be reluctant to
become great. Consider how often we hear someone's achievement degraded:
"Wonder how he got so much--probably his family had money" or
"Wonder who she had to sleep with to get where she is" or "I'd
have lots of friends too if I had a car like that and money" or
"Anyone could make all A's if all they did was study." Such put downs
of reasonable goals (status, promotions, friends and grades) sounds a little
like "sour grapes" and this kind of thinking might reduce one's drive
to achieve one's own potential.
(4) The fear of knowing. A lot of people
would be reluctant to find out their spouse was unfaithful or abusing the
children or breaking the law. Once you know, you may have to take action. If
you don't know, you don't need to do anything. Likewise, people avoid finding
out what is wrong with a person lying on the sidewalk. Knowing the situation
requires a person to do something because ignorance can no longer be used as an
excuse. Likewise, knowing the poverty, illness, and starvation in the world
puts pressure on us to act. Discovering a problem at work or knowing a better
solution to a problem than the boss knows can sometimes be scary. Drinkers,
smokers, over-eaters, procrastinators, and insulters don't want to know the
eventual results of their behaviors. We use defense mechanisms to keep from
knowing the truth about ourselves.
Do any
of these fears ring true for you? If so, awareness may be the first step to
overcoming the barriers to becoming your best true self.
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