Uncovering self-deception: self-con and self-hype
It's
nice to like yourself. Having self-esteem helps us be happy, healthy, and
effective. So, we select friends and do things that make us feel good. But we
also present ours 24524x2318y elves to others in the best possible light and we
distort reality a little bit to make ourselves look good. We give ourselves the
benefit of the doubt. I'll give some examples of the latter; you see if you are
guilty of any of these defensive deceptions.
(1) A tendency to take responsibility for successes and deny
responsibility for failures. This is illogical but it makes us
feel better. Examples: if our school won, it's "we won" but if our
school lost, it's "they lost." If you do well on a test, it is
because you "really hit it" or "are good at _____," but if
you bomb the test, it is because "it was a stupid test" or
"there were lots of trick and vague
questions" or "what a lousy teacher!" If you have a good
relationship with someone, it is because we "work at it" or
"talk things out" or "I'm real attentive," but if the
relationship is in trouble, it is because "He won't talk" or
"She wants her way" or "He/she is so irritable." Remember,
though, that in chapter 6 we learned that depressed persons are the opposite;
they feel at fault for failures and not responsible for successes. Somewhere in
the middle of these two extremes is the truth--honesty is the best policy
because we need to face our shortcomings and not blame others. Think about how
you tend to respond in several situations and ask your friends what distortions
they suspect you might make.
(2) A tendency to exaggerate our own importance and our own
strengths. Almost everyone can consider him/herself
superior if he/she selects carefully the basis of comparison--just my
face, my body, my athletic ability, my musical ability, my social skills, my
brain, my social status, my car, etc. We tend to consider only our best
features (Hamachek, 1987). We exaggerate our role, our strengths and our
contributions. Examples: when group projects are done, most persons tend to
feel his/her contribution was greater than the others would judge it to be. If
you ask a married person who makes the major contribution to the marriage, 70%
say "I do" (Ross & Sicoly, 1979). About 85% of people in high
school think they are above average in intelligence. College students think
they will live 10 to 20 years longer than the average person their age (Snyder,
1980). "Yep, lots of college students are budding alcoholics but not
me" or "Yeah, I believe the reports about cancer and smoking but I
don't think it will happen to me." In general we tend to inflate our image
and deflate others--they cheat on taxes and spouses (more than I will do), they
can't be trusted (as much as I can be), they won't work as hard as I will, they
are prejudiced (more than I), etc. These "I'm OK, You're not OK"
tendencies and the exaggerated sense of self-importance cause many problems
(see chapter 9). We need to face reality. How much do you do these things?
(3) A tendency to believe others will change and we won't
have to. Examples: when considering marriage (or divorce) we
are more likely to think of our partner as having to make certain changes
rather than us. When our partners have more or less sexual drive than we do, we
expect him/her to adjust to us. When students don't do well, they
expect the teacher to change and the teacher expects the students to change.
When poorly paid foreign workers produce a cheaper product, we want them to
stop flooding the market rather than our changing. When the wealth of the world
is very unequally distributed, we resist the idea of changing and suggest the
poor nations raise their standards of living. Isn't there an air of superiority
implied in these situations? Surely it would be better to have an egalitarian
attitude among caring people who are unafraid of change.
(4) A tendency to create excuses for our failures.
Not only do people "explain" away their past failures, there is
growing evidence that some people even devise their own barriers to success,
i.e. they provide themselves a "handicap" which will serve as an
excuse in case they fail in the future. Examples: One motive, among many, for
students to party and use drugs is that being "out partying" or
"high" or "hung over" is an acceptable ("I'm a
popular, fun-loving person") excuse for doing poorly in school. Just like
being injured or ill explains why an athlete doesn't play well. Even the
procrastinator (see chapter 4) has an excuse for not doing well--"I put
off studying." Furthermore, all these excuses--drinking, illness, or
disorganization--afford another special pay off, namely, they permit the user
to continue his/her self-concept that he/she has the ability to do really well if
he/she had really tried. Obviously, if you use excuses and believe your own
excuses, you are not seeing your real self. Do you use excuses?
In
summary, (1), (2) and (3) suggest that some of us have strong tendencies to
think we are right--almost a determination to prove we are right or superior
and others are wrong or weak. In addition, (4) implies that we shield ourselves
from seeing our weaknesses, so we can go on feeling superior (see chapters 5
and 15). Yet, such a misinformed person will surely eventually have difficulty
relating to others and coping with life. Also, all this unconscious conniving
to help us feel superior raises a question: Doesn't some part of us have to
know or suspect we are inferior-to-our-aspirations before these defenses would
be erected? I think so, just like the braggart shows signs of self-doubt by
boasting too much.
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