J A Discussion of Happiness J
For Raluca Popa
In thanks for a
wonderful stay at her home in
July 21 - August 3, 2008
We find ourselves once again in the same meadow from Allie's story. It is late afternoon or early evening - the sky is lit up by the soft, pink light of sunset. Once again, AYIH MATHIRYE sits on the grass (although this time he is sitting on his cushion) before a group of six people. All but one of the six are the same participants in the discussion on love for Allie, though these five have all aged somewhat. It doesn't seem that the same amount of time has passed for all of them; though - some seem ten years older while others don't seem much older at all. AYIH looks about five years older - more man than boy, now, with a short beard and a more self-assured and confidant expression.
ETIN KICYAH is still seated to the furthest right of the circle, but he has traded his faded, blue uniform for a white shirt and brown pants tucked into boots. He is wearing a simple yet elegant brown jacket over this ensemble. He has filled out some; while certainly not fat he has lost the almost scrawny look of his youth. He seems more comfortable, also more self-assured, and far less suspicious. He smiles ironically but not unkindly once he realizes where he is.
Seated beside him is not TASSI YASITANA but the newcomer, a GIRL of about eighteen years. She has long, auburn hair braided and then pinned up in a bun. She is wearing a long, red and white peasant dress. She looks around in surprise, as the others cast surprised glances in her direction. They are all the ones from before, except this girl. Why has she replaced TASSI? What could this mean?
SAKIH KARETSIE is in his place. He seems about the same age as ETIN, in his late twenties or early thirties. He is still dressed simply, in brown pants and a red shirt. He has a newsboy cap in his hand. He doesn't seem to have lost his characteristic bemused expression.
At first, the others do not recognize ANNA IVANOVNA KHUDOLEIVA, so much has she aged. Her hair is still long, though there is grey now in her blond. She wears it pinned up under a lace cap. She is wearing an ivory-colored dress. Her face is still handsome, despite the wrinkles that have begun to crease it. She looks about herself, puzzled, but after a moment she fixes her gaze on AYIH, smiling politely.
KAMILLA VLADIMIROVNA VERKHANOVSKAYA does not seem to have changed very much. One might even wonder if she has aged at all! But her hair is styled a little differently, in a very cute bob. She is wearing a pink blouse and a blue skirt and is smiling sweetly and a little distractedly. She does not seem the least bit upset to see these people again; rather, she looks happy to be among them once again and perhaps glad to tell them some good news.
SOPHIE VOLKOVA is smiling, too, and looks mostly contented. She is visibly older, though not a great deal so. She wears a grey sweater and black slacks. Her hair is slightly shorter than before, framing her face. She looks just as energetic as before, but older and more mature as well.
Once they've arrived, AYIH waits for a moment, glancing briefly from one to the next, before finally starting to speak.
AYIH: Well, hello again.
SOPHIE: Hello!
KAMILLA: Hi!
ETIN: Hello.
ANNA: Hello.
SAKIH: Well, hi!
The GIRL does not speak but her expression becomes even more visibly confused.
AYIH: Apparently we have all been called together to speak once more. A girl named Raluca Popa has requested we all get together and talk about happiness. You see, she read the story for Allie and wanted one like it. She wanted to know more about all of us. So, we're all here. Except it seems that Tassi Yasitana hasn't returned. I suppose we'll figure out in due time why that is. But, anyway, the fact of the matter is that our new guest doesn't know us, and we don't know her, so perhaps we should start as we did before, giving our names and the year we come from, and our ages, if you don't mind?
The others nod. The GIRL nods, too; although she doesn't really understand what this is all about the mention of TASSI's name makes sense to her.
AYIH: Etin, would you like to begin?
ETIN: (shrugging.) If you like. Though, wouldn't you like to start? Tell us how you've been, that sort of thing?
The others nod and voice their agreement, so AYIH, shrugging also, begins to speak once more.
AYIH: Well, what's there to say? As most of you know, I'm Ayih Mathiryé. I'm twenty-two years old in 1519. I must have seen you last when I was . seve 15115r1722p nteen or eighteen? It was right after the war. Anyway, since that time, what can I tell you? I married Le-iytha Sasirann in 1516 and since then we've had two children, a girl and a boy. I work on the city council for Eltaite-Lath, our town, and sometimes oversee building projects and that kind of things. I also serve as a representative of Mathiryé veterans of the Shayla army so sometimes I go to conferences about that. All in all, most of the time I'm in Eltaite-Lath with my family. So, I guess that's it. And Etin, are you now ready? Tell us how things are going with your revolution and all of that?
AYIH gives ETIN a small smile, which ETIN returns.
ETIN: Well, the revolution, I am pleased to say, was won six years ago. The year is now 1631 - I am thirty-two. (Addressing the GIRL) My name is Etin Kicyah, by the way. For the time being I am president of Assera, a post which I've held since the revolution. Eventually there are supposed to be elections and somebody else will take this post, but so far we haven't been as successful as we'd liked in encouraging the people to, you know, form parties and such, and we don't want to make parties by ourselves. I mean, I assume that the former leaders of the revolution will be involved in future government but if we are the only ones to form the government it wouldn't exactly be democratic, now then, would it? Not that it's exactly democratic as it is, but. we're trying. (He smiles weakly at this, then continues.) I am also married, to Karrah Kicyah, and we have a son, Tanin, who's three.
ANNA's eyebrows have risen at the mention of ETIN's wife's name. Others look curiously in his direction. Nobody wishes to ask anything, but ETIN notices the glances.
ETIN: It's a very long story. I can tell you if you really want to know, but let's wait until everyone's introduced himself, shouldn't we?
The others nod in assent.
ETIN: (to the GIRL) Do you want to go, now?
GIRL: (shrugs.) I suppose so. (now addressing the group: ) I don't really know any of you but I think I have a fair idea of why I'm here. My name is Kechya Yasitan, but please call me Kechy; it's what absolutely everyone does. I'm eighteen years old in 1749. I'm, um, I live at Senni Yasitan's and sometimes I help in the store there. I'm not married.
AYIH: You don't know why you're replacing Tassi, perhaps? Do you happen to know what he's doing now?
KAMILLA: (Nervously) I don't know what he could be doing that would keep him from., unless.
KECHY: (sharply, not so much angrily as bitterly) It's not what he's doing now; it's simply that he isn't!
This stops everyone short - they all look amongst themselves uncomfortably, almost guilty.
ETIN: (sincerely) I'm sorry.
KECHY: (uncomfortably.) Yeah. Well. Anyway, (to SAKIH) do you want to go now?
SAKIH: If you've finished. (Nods.) I'm Sakih Karetsié, for . well, for she who doesn't know, or perhaps if somebody has forgotten? (He smiles weakly at this.) I am now thirty-one, in 1914. I've finished school and I'm working now. Still living with Diama Yavtanko. That's all, I suppose.
There's a pause, then ANNA speaks up.
ANNA: My goodness! For me it's been so very long, yet for you. in any event, as you know, I am Anna Ivanovna Khudoleiva. The year is now 1946 - and I am fifty-three years old. Many things have changed, of course, but Vasily and I are still together. We have three grown children, now. You were born (she tells KAMILLA, then to SOPHIE) and so were you. Of course there was the war. (She pauses, takes a sharp breath, and then continues on as before.) We lost a lot, you know. But, now that's all over. And as for me, I am spending my time at home with my family. Kamillichka What year is it for you? You look good.
KAMILLA: (smiles at ANNA.) For me it's 1948, and I am twenty-seven years old. Sam and I were married in 1946, just after the end of the war. I can't tell you how dramatic it was, we almost thought that we would lose one another . yet, miraculously Sam managed to stay in Mlodovska! I was working as a secretary until recently but then our daughter, Vera, was born, so I've been staying at home to take care of her. I'll probably go back to work soon, though. So you see, (she turns to SOPHIE, smiling sweetly) I managed to survive after all!
SOPHIE: (A bit awkwardly,) Yes, I see, I see! Congratulations. I do remember your wedding!
KAMILLA: Really? Well, you were the most adorable flower girl I've ever seen. And you, Sophie, how are you? I see you're a bit older now. Did you finish school?
SOPHIE: Yes, yes I did. Quite a while ago, actually. I'm now twenty-six, in 1966. I'm working for a film production company, helping to shoot and edit feature and documentary films. Sometimes I even get to go out and mess with the camera myself. Actually I'm working on a film now and if I finish it I'm going to enter it in a contest in the fall. That's exciting! I'm, um, not dating Jacques anymore, I guess you aren't surprised. We weren't together for very long, all things considered. I've now been with my, euh, friend David for a few years, actually. Maybe we'll be married soon. People keep asking when we're going to get married and though we always say 'not yet' we know there'll be a, 'yet,' you know? So, I. I guess that's my news. Are we good?
The others smile at her.
KAMILLA: It's funny to think you wound up in
SOPHIE: Yeah, when I was nine I moved with my mother to
KAMILLA: Ah, so she did marry Sokolov! How are they?
SOPHIE: (gives a very Russian shrug.) How should they be? My mother is . my mother, and Ziven is . Ziven. They're fine, I suppose. But, they certainly weren't meant for each other. I wish my mother would understand that.
KAMILLA: (understandingly, slightly chastising, as though SOPHIE is still a teenager who has talked back.) Your mother has suffered a lot, you know.
SOPHIE: (polite, but undeterred) I know she has! She'd suffer less without him.
KAMILLA: Not all men are Kolya Volkov, you know.
ANNA: (sighs heavily.) No, not all men, no. I met him, you know. He was such a nice boy. I know he was poor but he always looked so nice, so neat, and was always polite to me and Vasily. He brought us flowers, once; nicer flowers than he really should have been able to afford. I knew he was a communist, though he never said so. He didn't want to upset us. Besides he was different. A communist, perhaps, but no Soviet. You can always tell, and I would have told Nika, if I didn't know that she knew already. I even thought he'd marry Nika, back then. Maybe I should have known that it wasn't meant to be, but, you know, love never seemed so complicated to me. People fell in love, they got married. It didn't strike me that people could love, could love so deeply, and then. stop. But I don't begrudge Kolya, and I certainly don't begrudge your mother, Sophie, for choosing each other. And I was so sad when we found out that he'd died. Of course, we didn't know anything back then. Nobody knew about resistance or. now there's a statue of him in the center of town. Still, it's . it's not worth it, you know?
Although ANNA has been mostly addressing SOPHIE throughout this little discourse, everyone nods soberly when she finishes. Next, ANNA addresses ETIN, who has been sitting quietly and thoughtfully, beginning to understand what has made ANNA's nature soften.
ANNA: If you don't mind, I would very much like to know, Etin, what happened with your friend Lilana? I've often thought of you over the years, and if I may say so it seemed to me that you loved her very much. Your feelings touched me, if I can say as much. In any event.?
The others are looking on, also interested, but hesitant to press unless ETIN wishes to tell them.
ETIN: If you are interested in knowing I have no problem telling you. Ayih, is this.?
AYIH: Go ahead.
The others all nod their assent, so ETIN begins.
ETIN: It's a complicated story, and I'm grateful that you recognized its gravity, I suppose. Well, I don't suppose in the grand scheme of things it is all that important, but for me. in any event, to put things as simply as possible, we both kept our promises to each other. If you remember I told you back then that I'd promised her I'd return, as she had wished, even as I made her promise to forget me, and by some sad twist of fate we both kept our promises.
(He sighs, then shrugs almost sheepishly at his own dramatic styling, before continuing.)
ETIN: To be fair to her, she thought I was dead. I was in hiding for over a year and everyone thought I'd died. Anyway, she left Assera, left with her sister, a little girl named Yasenan, and tried to go to Kikaren. Lots of people were doing so at this time - the Kikaren army was helping them make the border crossing and their government was helping resettle the emigrants; they'd created programs to teach them the language and help them find jobs and all of that, so lots of people left. The problem was that the Asseran army was obsessed with stopping the people from leaving. I tell you, they worked harder at killing their own than actually fighting the war! Anyway, both Lilana and Yasenan were attacked and badly injured, but were rescued and taken to Kikaren. There, they were taken to Asukah, a. a way station, of sorts, the home of a noble family which serves as a seat of government in the outlying provinces and a military outpost, that kind of thing, where they recovered. Then they were supposed to go on to Citi, the capital of Kikaren, to live there - and they'd already become a sort of cause célèbre, of sorts. I told you how beautiful Lilana is, and Yasenan is like, like a younger version of her sister, I suppose. And some soldier, one of the young men who had rescued them, had sketched Yasenan's face as she lay unconscious and he didn't even know if she'd live. So this image, and then some other drawings of the two of them recovering became the face of Kikaren efforts to improve conditions in Assera; they were plastered all over everywhere and every Kikaren knew their names, as soon as they'd recovered enough to speak.
So, the commander in chief of the Kikaren army, a fellow named Bailuik Citanai, wanted to adopt Yasenan, so she went on to Citi, but in Asukah Lilana had met a young lord by the name of Asah. She didn't particularly want to go to Citi; she'd had a hard life in Assera with her sister and, strange as it may seem, she didn't want to stay with her sister, for she saw in her a reminder of their past, and Lilana wanted to forget everything she'd ever known, to start fresh. I don't know whether this grieved Yasenan. I don't know Yasenan well, although I did meet with her once on a state visit to Kikaren and she seemed very happy and . politic, in a way. Very proper and "how do you do" and "it's an honor to make your acquaintance," as if she'd never known me. Yet, (here he adds ironically, but not particularly bitterly) I never heard amnesia as being one of the consequences of her injuries.
In any event, Lilana married Asah. I'd seen the propaganda posters with her face - I have a friend, actually, who collects them, no, I don't mean just the ones with Lilana, but propaganda posters in general, and god knows that after the war there were plenty to collect! I'd recognized her right away and after making some inquiries I found out that she was living and in Kikaren. Yet nobody told me that she had married Asah Asukai. Perhaps they didn't know. And it was on a visit to Kikaren - the same one when I met with Yasanan Citanai, my brother, who had also moved there, he's working with orphans, doing something to help them find homes, . he knew who she'd married. And I felt desperately that I had to see her again, so I left Citi as soon as I could and went to Asukah.
I didn't know what I expected; thinking back on it I never should have gone. But I wanted to see her, to tell her goodbye. Maybe I thought that my love for her had gone away. Anyway, as soon as we saw each other we realized that between the two of us nothing had changed. We went off to talk; Lilana was hysterical. She wanted to run away with me, to renounce Asah and to flee with me back to Assera. I tried to convince her that this was impossible but she was insistent, and I fear I wasn't very persuasive, arguing against my own feelings, as it were. She kissed me and it was at this moment that her husband entered the room. I left then; without a goodbye I left and took the earliest conveyance back to Assera. I've not seen her since. (He shrugs.) That's all, really. After that I met Karrah - I'd known her from before the war; she was only a child, then, and we had worked together for the revolution. She'd gone to Kikaren when the war ended but for various reasons she returned to Assera to live, and we met then. I actually gave her a place to stay until she found somewhere of her own and . as it were, she remained. (He gives a quick smile.)
I love Karrah very much. Of course I regret how it ended with Lilana but. how should I say this, I've moved on. And I only hope that she, too, has been able to let go of the past.
(With this ETIN sighs and shrugs once more.)
ETIN: That's it, really.
The others look amongst themselves, touched, saddened, and surprised all the same, because it's true that throughout the years they have thought of ETIN and the story of his love, wondering how things ended up for him.
KAMILLA: I'm sorry.
ETIN: No, it's fine, really. You know, you never know how things'll turn out. As it is, I really am happy with Karrah, and I don't know . the person who Lilana has become, I don't know if we'd make a good couple. I regret that it ended the way it did, but I hope she'll be able to mend things with Asah, and. (his voice trails off; he says no more.)
AYIH: Do you think she will?
ETIN: What?
AYIH: Mend things with him?
ETIN: (shrugs.) I don't know. I don't know him well. I met with him once afterwards, state business, as usual. He was cool but professional with me. I hope things have improved.
ANNA: And she kissed you? She initiated it?
ETIN: Yes.
ANNA: Then it's she who's to blame, isn't it?
ETIN: (shrugs yet again.) If she hadn't and if Asah hadn't come in just then I might as well have. I don't think that it's really a question of blame, though. Her character and mine, . we're not cool, collected people. I'd like to think I'm perhaps less rash than I was ten years ago, but. in such a moment what can you do? In any event, it's over. All I can say is . if this discussion is supposed to be about happiness, I can tell you that certainly that was not the happiest moment of my life!
SOPHIE chuckles ironically.
After a moment:
AYIH: So, uh, should we begin our discussion?
ETIN: Uh, actually Ayih, I have a question. If nobody minds . and if Kechy doesn't mind, could I ask her what . well, how did Tassi meet his end? I mean, if I understood correctly... it's only been, what, four or five years in your time?
KECHY: (without emotion) I can tell you if you'd like.
AYIH: Go ahead.
The others nod soberly.
KECHY: There's not much to tell. I mean there is, but there. there isn't, really. The long and the short of it is that he was killed. He killed someone and he was executed for it. There were changes in our country happening - things changed right on the heels of his death, although I wouldn't say that his death caused them, though perhaps he thought they might. So, supposedly things are better in Ileni Kichen now. We Yasits are free. We don't have to work for the Ilenis anymore. But Tassi never lived to see that.
KECHY stops speaking then, almost abruptly. The others wait a moment for her to continue, but after a minute SAKIH asks:
SAKIH: He killed someone?
KECHY: (immediately defensive) He was forced to.
ANNA: Forced?
KECHY: He killed an Ileni prince. A very bad man who was trying to kill his own brother. Back then the Ilenis had all the power. A prince could've had a Yasit killed just like that, or order him to do whatever he pleased. So this prince ordered Tassi, . and a friend, to kill his, the prince's, brother. And Tassi knew that whether he did it or not the prince would have him killed, either as the killer of the other prince, for he'd never admit to putting him to it, or for disobeying him. So Tassi and his friend, they killed the prince who told them to do it. It was the only thing they could do, you know?
KECHY finishes speaking and for a moment nobody responds. They are all struck by the tragedy of the boy's death and the enormity of what he had done. SOPHIE bites her lip; KAMILLA sighs deeply. ETIN nods.
ETIN: When did this happen?
KECHY: Four years ago. He was seventeen.
ETIN: I see. I'm sorry.
KAMILLA: It's clear that he was very brave.
KECHY: That was always clear.
ANNA: (softly) Do you know why you're here?
KECHY turns to look at her.
KECHY: What, you mean in his place?
ANNA: Yes.
KECHY: (shrugs) Do you?
ANNA: I think I do.
SAKIH nods.
ANNA: You know, the last time we were all here we talked about love. Do you know who he talked about?
KECHY: (feigns ignorance out of politeness.) I don't say I'd know.
SAKIH: (smiles) I think you know.
KECHY: He said he loved me?
Her tone is incredulous but her eyes are beginning to brighten and the tiniest of smiles is starting to grace her lips.
ETIN: (seriously, but kindly.) He didn't say that he loved you, exactly, but talked of you and he asked us whether we thought he loved you. I think, though, . and I think we all thought it clear that he did love you.
KAMILLA: All he needed was time.
SAKIH: Unfortunately.
KECHY: He never got that time. I know. But, I'm glad he told you that and I'm glad you. (tears are now brimming in her eyes) I'm glad you told me that. Thank you.
At this SOPHIE and KAMILLA rise and come over to KECHY. KAMILLA kneels down beside her and, after a moment's hesitation takes her in her arms, embracing her and stroking her hair. SOPHIE reaches out a hand to her, which KECHY takes, squeezing it tight. For a moment they sit together in silence, then KECHY speaks.
KECHY: Thanks. I'm really okay, though. You can go back if you want.
SOPHIE: Would you like to come sit with us?
KECHY: (to Anih) Would that be okay?
AYIH: Of course.
So KECHY, SOPHIE, and KAMILLA rise. KECHY takes her cushion and SOPHIE and KAMILLA slide theirs apart to make room for her. KECHY takes her seat between the two of them, and they hold her hands, continuing to give her comfort.
AYIH: Well, we have been talking for quite some time, yet we've never really touched upon the subject that Raluca has requested! In any event, I suppose we could start by naming some things that make us happy. Would that be okay?
The others nod or otherwise indicate their agreement, so AYIH asks:
AYIH: Etin, would you like to begin?
ETIN: (shrugs.) I suppose so. In any event. (pauses; he is thinking,) What do I like.? What makes me happy? I suppose that in general I am happy now. I enjoy my work, even though there are still many problems to solve I am glad that we've got this far. I enjoy the challenges and I enjoy seeing the progress we are making. And of course I'm also happy when I'm with my family. Even though I always have work to do I always make time for my wife and my son, and it's very nice to be able to play with Tanin, say on a Sunday morning. He's always so full of energy, so vibrant and joyous that I start to feel the same. I think that's really when I'm happiest, these days; when I'm spending time with my family.
AYIH: Was it always that way? You said you have a brother? Do you get along with him well?
ETIN: (sighs.) No. We used to. We used to be best friends, and it's true that as a boy verily my best moments were spent with him. With the war, though, things changed. In the end, out of my family only he and I survived the war and. perhaps it's like Lilana and her sister. Thinking of him doesn't grieve me, per se, but I think perhaps it grieves him. He blames me as much as he blames himself for what happened, even though I think that truly it was neither of our faults, really. I do hope that someday things will be better between us.
KAMILLA: Only the two of you survived?
ETIN: (gravely) Yes, my mother and two sisters were killed.
He doesn't say any more; it is clear that he doesn't want to talk about it.
KAMILLA: I'm sorry.
ETIN: Thank you. In any event, you'd think that after all that Atenin, . that's my brother, you'd think he'd want to hang on to what family he's got left. (Shrugs.) We're young, though. Hopefully the wounds will heal with time.
ANNA: And what about your wife? What is she like?
ETIN: (Half-smiles.) She's wonderful. Her name is Karrah, like I believe I said. She's very beautiful - her hair is the color of gold and her eyes are blue. Her hair is so long that braided it reaches her waist. She's. she's quiet, but very intelligent and witty, and, what can I say, we've been through a lot together. I. what can I say, sometimes I don't even know what she sees in me, but then I do understand. we work well together. Like I said, we've been through a lot together. I couldn't ask for a better life's partner, really. (He smiles now, more truly.)
ANNA returns the smile, satisfied. Though ETIN's description may not be very eloquent, the look in his eyes and the small smile upon his lips speak the truth that ANNA wished to hear.
SOPHIE: And, may I ask, what kind of hobbies do you have? I mean, (addressing the group now) when I think of happiness one thing that immediately comes to mind is pastimes and my interests. For me, it's film. But for you, Etin, what do you do in your spare time?
KAMILLA: (giggling) I assume that Mr. President does have some spare time?
ETIN: (laughs) It's true that I haven't got much! But, let's see, pastimes - I've always loved to read. When I was a boy I learned to read in secret and read what books I could get my hands on and now that time is the only limit on my reading I . I still read whatever I can get my hands on!
SAKIH: What do you like to read?
ETIN: (shrugs.) Oh, anything interesting. Anything that proposes some entertaining story or new idea to ponder. I think I really fell in love with Greek mythology - Homer's Odyssey and all of that, and now I'm reading some of the more simple stories with my son. I'm not a. I don't have any particular literary philosophy, though. I like everything. I think everything is good.
(To SAKIH:) And you? What makes you happy?
SAKIH: I suppose spending time with Diama makes me happy. She is so energetic - a bit like Etin said about his son, I suppose, and her good humor and energy are infectious. Other than that I. I don't know. It's not hard for me to enjoy things, to find pleasure in even the mundane. I like my work. It's not terribly difficult or scintillating, but I like it. You know, I can't really put a finger on 'what makes me happy.' I think that happiness comes from within. You have to find a way to enjoy the things you are doing just as much as you try to do the things that you enjoy. That's what I think, anyway.
ANNA: Oh, I see what you mean! Yes, I think that's true. Happiness comes from within just as much as from without.
AYIH: And, Sakih, what makes you unhappy?
SAKIH: I don't know. The usual things, I suppose. Disappointments and frustrations; they make everyone unhappy. The important thing is not to take those too seriously. Then you won't be so upset.
KAMILLA: (softly) So, would you say that you are generally a happy person?
SAKIH: (a bit surprised.) Of course!
ETIN: And your friend, Diama . last time you said that perhaps you were falling in love with her. Have things changed or progressed between the two of you since then?
SAKIH: (sharply) I told you back then; I don't have the right to love!
KECHY: (just as sharply) Do you care about anything?
SAKIH: (shocked) Excuse me?
KECHY: (mocking) Oh, everything makes me happy, the thing is just not to pay too much attention to what I'm doing and everything is good! Nothing matters, so nothing could make me unhappy. You can't live life that way! Some things, of course, unimportant things, are better to let go, but . not caring, not determining your own course in life, that isn't really living! That's existing, nothing more, and barely that!
The others look around, surprised at the vehemence of KECHY's reaction.
ANNA: I don't know, Kechy. I think it's good . necessary. to find pleasure in the mundane. We can't always live the way we want to and I think it's better to accept the given situation rather than to kill ourselves trying to fix it.
ETIN: (smiles wryly) I take it you vote conservative?
SOPHIE laughs.
ANNA: My politics haven't changed.
ETIN: Clearly.
But something has changed in the mood of ANNA's and ETIN's bickering. It is less sharp, less barbed, as neither really wishes to hurt the other, but they do also still recognize that they are quite different people and they will probably never agree on many things. ANNA smiles ironically.
ANNA: It's a pity for you, isn't it?
ETIN: (returns the smile.) I didn't say anything. (to KECHY) Anyway, I think you have a point. Perhaps you should have couched your reaction in politer words, but I think, though you may not be absolutely correct about Sakih, your words are ones he needed to hear.
SAKIH: (still offended.) Excuse me?
ETIN: There is a virtue in letting things drop, in taking things in one's stride, . perhaps a talent that I haven't yet fully gained, and I do admire people who don't have difficulty forgiving, forgetting, and moving on from upsets. That said, however, I do think that Kechy has a point. You're more than flexible. You're not flexible out of kindness or an obligingness of nature, but simply because, if I dare to say so, ever since you lost the girl you loved you have been afraid to care and afraid to live, so you walk through life day by day as if nothing mattered at all.
SAKIH: I liked you better before when you didn't try to pass judgments on us all, you know?
ETIN: (still calm) I'm not judging you. I am trying to make you think. I'm trying to help you, if you can believe that.
SAKIH: (suddenly sharp again) And say you're right? Why should I throw myself into everything, falling in love with everything and everyone when it can all fall apart (he snaps his fingers) like that?
SAKIH's eyes are burning now. He falls silent.
KAMILLA: (gently) but wouldn't you say it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?
SAKIH: (surprised) . I .
KECHY: Would you really wish never to have known love? Could you really deny yourself love in the future?
SAKIH: (almost shouting) She's gone! What, would you have me pine away the rest of my life crying for her?
KECHY: Isn't that what you're doing?
PAUSE
KECHY: Listen, don't you think I know how you feel? I loved Tassi! Truly and deeply I did! And when he died . and Sanih, too, his friend, his cousin, actually, I was shattered. My heart was broken. I was broken! And, though I don't think I'll ever be the same again, not like I was before, I had to face the facts and realize that they really were gone before I could hope to restart my life again. Of course, there was a time when I couldn't. I walked through life as if in a daze and nothing seemed to matter - but after a time I had to move on. It's been three years for me. Sakih, it's been how long for you?
Another pause. SAKIH doesn't respond.
ETIN: (gently) When did she die?
SAKIH: (quietly) 1900. I was seventeen.
KAMILLA: Fourteen years.
SAKIH: (slightly belligerent) Okay, yeah it's been a while. Thank you for all of your excellent advice. I shall take it into consideration. Um, Anna Ivanovna, do you want to go?
ANNA: Have you finished?
SAKIH: (pointedly) Yes.
A short pause.
ANNA: Well, I suppose I can speak. I'm not quite sure what to say, though. We all do have the same ideas. Of course, my family makes me happy. Especially my children. I don't see them as often as I used to, now that they are grown, so family occasions and holidays always make me happy. I also, what can I say? I like to read, too. and I like to knit. I like to listen to music and to dance. My daughter Katrina is an excellent singer. She plays the piano as well, and though I could never hope to be as talented as she I also enjoy playing the piano. I think that Sakih is actually right, you know. Maybe life isn't generally happy, or yours' isn't, anyway, but it's really up to you to be content. Maybe it's true that it's weak of me to accept things as they are and to sometimes plunge myself into a romance novel or take myself to a melodramatic opera when things get too hard to bear, but what can I say? I wasn't made to fight.
She sighs.
ETIN: (gently.) Fair enough.
AYIH: May I ask you as well, do you consider yourself a happy person?
ANNA: (sighs once more) I don't know. I'd like to.
KECHY: What's wrong? If I can ask? Don't you get along with your husband? Or is it (her voice trails off; she isn't sure what to ask.)
ANNA: No, no darling, it's nothing like that. Vasya is wonderful - don't get me wrong. It's just. I wasn't fated to be happy. Life gives and takes and as it were. You seem to understand.
KAMILLA: She's lived through more than one war and revolution. She's lost a lot of people. You understand, don't you?
KECHY: (nods soberly) I do.
ETIN: See, there's the difference between you and Sakih. You choose to let go, you pick your battles, as they say, which isn't a bad thing to do. Whereas he. (ETIN stops short.) But I suppose you don't really want my opinion anyway.
ANNA: (smiles wryly) I am glad you approve.
ETIN: It doesn't really matter whether I approve or not, does it?
ANNA: No, but I am glad to have your good opinion.
SAKIH glares at ETIN but says nothing.
ANNA: (abruptly to KAMILLA) In any event, you look quite good. I'm sure you have a much more pleasant situation to tell us about. Do you want to go?
KAMILLA: Sure! . Unless somebody else has another question for Mrs. Khudoleiva?
People shrug or shake their heads.
AYIH: Go ahead, Kamilla.
ANNA: Mrs. Khudoleiva?
KAMILLA: (mildly) I've always called you that.
ANNA: Yes, well I suppose you have. (Sighs thoughtfully.) It's just that here .
KAMILLA: Seems strange, doesn't it?
ANNA: Do you feel like Mrs. Campman here? Or just Kamilla?
KAMILLA: (dreamily) I'm always Mrs. Campman. Mrs. Kamilla
Campman. I was born to be Mrs. Kamilla Campman! I could be Vera's mother, the
way the Chinese . isn't it the Chinese, they call you after who your child is.
actually it's only for sons, isn't it? Or maybe it's some culture in
ETIN: (thoughtfully) You know, I never actually thought of that.
KAMILLA: Of what?
ETIN: Of, well, 'Kamilla' and 'Mrs. Campman' as being separate . parts of your identity.
KAMILLA: They're not.
ETIN: You weren't always Mrs. Campman, though. Whereas I've been Mr. Kicyah since I was born. Or, well, (laughs) Since I was old enough to be taken seriously.
SOPHIE laughs
SOPHIE: Since when was that? Since you were about thirty?
ANNA: (in jest) You mean there are people who take you seriously?
ETIN: (mock dramatic sigh.) I guess I did ask for that one. Seriously though, it's a philosophical question. A man is seen as . who he is, all the time, whether he's an individual or the so-called man of the family, I'm Mr. Kicyah in my own right as well as Mr. Kicyah to Karrah's Mrs. But Karrah, or you, have to choose whether to introduce yourselves as 'Kamilla' or 'Mrs. Campman.' 'Am I my husband's wife or am I me?' . I'd never thought of it that way before.
ANNA: Most men don't!
SOPHIE: (impressed) It's a rare one that does!
ETIN: Thank you.
KAMILLA: (Not offended but clearly contrary.) I wouldn't say that's true. It's not true in all cases, at least. I would say that I've always been Mrs. Campman, if not on paper than . in my soul. I was born to be with Sam.
ETIN: (shrugs.) Karrah tells me that she was born to be with me, but she still recognizes that she plays a different role as 'Karrah' than as 'Mrs. Kicyah.'
KECHY: Hey, if for her these roles fit together seamlessly more power to her!
ETIN: That's true enough, I suppose.
KAMILLA: Anyway, I guess I'd say that, all things considered I'm very happy. I love Sam so very much, and our baby is just the sweetest! I still can't believe how lucky I am that things worked out this way for us! The war is over; we've all made it through. we can start again with our lives and even though some losses we'll maybe never recover from . in general, I know that things will be. are already, good again. I think that's what, really, a person needs to be happy. Your hobbies can help, and a good attitude doesn't hurt, but I believe that, really, that sort of thing comes from outside. That's why Anna Ivanovna, despite her efforts, can't really, truly be happy. I hope things improve for her in the coming years.
ANNA: (politely) Thank you.
AYIH: I'm glad that you are doing so well. I hope it continues for you like this.
KAMILLA smiles at SOPHIE. SOPHIE looks away, saying nothing. KAMILLA shrugs.
KAMILLA: Anyway, Kechy, do you want to go?
KECHY: (now shrugs.) Sure. I don't know what more I have to say, though. I can't tell you if I'm a happy person or not. I don't think I am, yet I don't think I'm unhappy, either. I think that Kamilla's right, that in the end it's not really up to you. I'm doing all I can, but I haven't had the happiest life, myself, so far, and. you know, it's hard to recover. And also I don't think it's always the best or the most desirable thing to be happy. I think the really important thing is to feel what you feel. That way, you can be happy when you should be and when you shouldn't. well, you feel what you ought to. The years I spent putting my life back together after Tassi and Sanih died; well, I needed them. And, though I'll always think of them and . always grieve for them, I suppose, that's the way things should be. And, besides, right now things aren't so bad. There's a guy I've met. He's nice. He likes me a lot. And I enjoy being with him. Other than that, I've got my hobbies, too. I love to walk out in the fields and in the forests, to swim, . to ride on horseback. I like to read, though, even though I am not good at it. I learned late, you see, and it never became easy for me. I like it though. I guess I can say that I occupy and amuse myself well enough.
I'm also happy when I'm with my friends. I have some wonderful friends, girls with whom I can talk about anything. They're there for me in hard times and in good times we have a lot of fun together. Then there's my friend.
Really, I think that being with people, being close to people, makes me happy.
KAMILLA: That's lovely.
ANNA: It really is.
ETIN nods; SOPHIE smiles. SAKIH frowns slightly, still miffed at KECHY's criticism.
AYIH: And your friends, can you tell us about them?
KECHY: Well, I suppose that my best friends are three girls, Kiyachet, Carani, and Mayani. We all lived together at Senni Yasitan's for a while after the revolution. Of course we're all different but we all get along very well. A little while ago Carani left, she married a guy, Edanin Princi. Mayani's seeing someone, too. Mayani's very kind and good. Carani is dreamy - she writes poetry and loves dressing up and new clothes. And Kiyachet is a lot like me, whatever that's supposed to mean. They're great! (She smiles.)
ANNA: And your friend? The boy you're seeing?
KECHY: (shrugs.) He's nice.
ANNA: Oh?
KECHY: He wants me to marry him.
ANNA: Oh!
SOPHIE: Do you want to marry him?
KECHY: (hesitantly) I . don't know.
ETIN: Are you happy with him?
KECHY: . Maybe I could be.
KAMILLA: What did you tell him, when he asked you to marry him?
KECHY: I told him maybe. That I'd think about it.
KAMILLA: And you've thought .?
KECHY: I'm still thinking.
KAMILLA nods.
SOPHIE: But if you don't love him .?
KECHY: Maybe I do. We'll see, won't we?
SAKIH: (pointedly) I certainly wouldn't marry somebody if I didn't love her.
KECHY: (just as pointedly) I never said I was going to marry him!
SOPHIE: (to SAKIH) It's not the same. You'll never need a husband to provide for you.
KECHY: (disdainful.) I don't either!
SOPHIE: (sincerely) Sorry.
KECHY: It's okay.
She gives SOPHIE a little hug - it's clear that all is forgiven. SOPHIE smiles, but a second later voices an objection.
SOPHIE: I don't know . maybe I'm wrong, but they always told
us, for example in history class, how dependant women were on their fathers and
husbands back in the past. Like in ancient
KECHY: (mirthful, not offended) I don't come from ancient
SOPHIE: (smiling, a little embarrassed nonetheless.) I got that.
KECHY: You don't think that everyone all over the world lives like you, do you? Then, how should everyone in the past have lived the same life?
SOPHIE: I stand corrected.
KECHY: . but, it's true that, say, before our revolution women were very dependant on men, and Yasits dependant on Ilenis. Now we all have equal rights - to property and employment and such. So, you aren't so wrong.
SOPHIE: (shrugs helplessly but giggles.) I really can't win!
KECHY: (giggling too.) I just told you all you need to know. Now you can!
SOPHIE: This is a very small victory!
KECHY: (hugs her again.) A victory nonetheless! Anyway, I think I've finished. Do you want to go?
SOPHIE: Sure.
She looks around the small circle before beginning. People nod and smile at her encouragingly.
SOPHIE: Well, it's always strange being the last to speak.
You feel that all you had to say has already been said by everyone else. I'll
give it a go, though. Anyway, I think that I'm generally a happy person. I've been
lucky, all things considered. I mean, the circumstances of my birth weren't the
happiest, seeing as for the first . five years of my life my mother and I were
more or less in hiding, but since then, since the war ended I've basically
lived a charmed life. I've lived in
ANNA: And may you always be happy.
SOPHIE: Thank you.
AYIH: I'm curious to know, since you mentioned hobbies as something that makes you happy, what are your pastimes? You mentioned film, but what else do you do? What else do you enjoy doing?
SOPHIE: (smiles) Well, I like making movies, of course, and
watching them, too. you know, and photographs. I first got into photography when
I was a teenager - when I was thirteen, and when I was fourteen or fifteen I won a photo contest in
Also, though I don't suppose this is really a pastime, going to synagogue makes me happy. I go when I can - I don't always go every Friday, or every Saturday, but I go when I can. It makes me calm and I get time to reflect on things, to work them out in my head. Since I started doing that I think I've been a lot calmer, a lot. happier, I suppose.
ANNA: You're Jewish?
SOPHIE: Yeah.
ANNA: Right, your mother is Jewish, isn't she?
SOPHIE: Technically no. I converted.
KAMILLA: Oh? I thought she was.
SOPHIE: She's half. The problem is that it was her father who was Jewish, and religiously you're only Jewish if your mother is Jewish. So I had to convert. I got interested when I was a teenager. One time, I asked my mom, I was fifteen years old, I think, I went, "Mom, are we Jewish?" . I'll never forget the look in her eyes. You know, she's never been religious. Her parents weren't, and she's never believed in God or anything. For her, being Jewish is only. a source of suffering. Since I got involved I've tried to take her to synagogue to see if she'd like it, but she refuses to go and I don't want to push. For me, though, it's I needed it all along, only I found out then.
ETIN: When did you convert? Back when you were fifteen?
SOPHIE: (shakes her head) No, no. Recently. I didn't want to. I didn't feel that I should have to. It's not like they ask you if you're Jewish or not at synagogue and I felt like, okay, so if I wanted to read from the Torah or whatever I couldn't, but why should I want to? But, no, I actually converted only a few years ago. When I started getting serious with David, because, you know, we want to have a Jewish wedding and for our children to be considered Jewish, I converted then.
KAMILLA: That's good! You know, that's true, I find that going to church makes me feel good, too. I don't go all that often, seeing as Sam isn't religious, but perhaps I should go more, even without Sam.
SOPHIE: You're Russian Orthodox, aren't you?
KAMILLA nods.
SOPHIE: Was Sam raised with some religion?
KAMILLA: *shrugs* Some kind of Protestantism, I believe. His mother is religious. He isn't, though.
ANNA: Does it bother you that he isn't?
KAMILLA: *shrugs.* I don't know. Sometimes I wish he was. But, you know, he is who he is.
AYIH: Can I ask for a show of hands? Which of us practice some kind of religion?
SOPHIE, KAMILLA, ANNA, and AYIH raise their hands. ETIN smiles wryly.
KAMILLA: I know Mrs. Khudoleiva is also Orthodox? (To AYIH) And you?
AYIH: I'm Catholic.
KAMILLA: Ah, I see.
ANNA: (to the others.) And your wives or families or the people you love, are they religious, or not really?
ETIN: Karrah goes to church sometimes. I don't think she's particularly religious, but then again I've never really asked her.
KECHY: I've never asked Kethi, either. I don't think he is, though.
SAKIH: Diama isn't.
ETIN: And you, Ayih? Your Le-iytha, is she also Catholic?
AYIH: Yes.
ANNA: I think it's good when a couple shares similar beliefs. Far be it from me to tell them what to believe, but I think it's good when they think the same thing.
ETIN: (smiles) There I'm with you completely.
SOPHIE: That certainly makes life happier.
A pause
AYIH: Well, I think that's it! Does anyone have anything else to say? Any questions to ask ?
The others shake their heads or shrug. Nobody has anything else to say.
AYIH: Well, then I guess we are done! So, like it was the last time we'll all go back to where we came from, one by one. So, when you're ready.
One by one, they disappear from the meadow. First ETIN vanishes, then KECHY, then SAKIH, then ANNA. KAMILLA has stood up and has already begun to disappear when SOPHIE jumps to her feet.
SOPHIE: Kamilla!
KAMILLA: Sophie?
SOPHIE: (breathless) I . I just want to tell you, go to the west as soon as you can. Please, convince Sam to go west as soon as you can! Don't wait!
KAMILLA: (puzzled) Why? Is there some danger?
SOPHIE: (nods vehemently) Yes. Very much so. Please, tell him to go. The longer you wait the worse it'll get.
KAMILLA: (shrugs.) I'll talk to him about it. When do we need to leave by?
SOPHIE: Next year or the year after. Go with Katrina in '51.
KAMILLA: (smiles vaguely) Well, thank you for the advice, Sophie.
With this, she disappears. SOPHIE lingers for another moment, her lips pursed in concentration and questioning, then she, too, disappears. Then, AYIH, a knowing smile upon his lips, vanishes and the field is empty.
-END-
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