What to do when you are pulled over for speeding
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and
has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card
in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who
owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly
surrounded by police, and t 22422i87w he captain approached the driver to handle the tense
situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in
it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body
in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him
you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that
there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I
was speeding, too.
Pregnant Lady on the Bus
A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court and the judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Coming' and I smiled. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Slogan's Liniment Will Reduce the Swelling', and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick', and I could hardly contain myself. BUT your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented This Accident', I just lost it."
Complimentary Peanuts
One evening, after a hard week at work, a young executive just wants to go have a drink and unwind at the new neighborhood bar. He walks in, and not really wanting any conversation, sits at the end of the bar by himself. The bartender asks him what he is drinking, and he says, I'll have a Scotch on the rocks. Moments later, he hears, "nice tie". He thinks nothing of it. A short time after that, he hears, "nice jacket", again, he thinks nothing of it. Then he hears, "Who cuts your hair, it looks great!" With that, the customer calls the bartender over and says, "Who is talking to me? When I came in here, all I wanted is a drink, and no conversation, that's why I sat over here". The bartender replied, "That must be our special complimentary peanuts!"
Actual Statements by Airline Flight Crews
Here are some (purportedly) actual statements by
airline flight crews as they made an effort to make the "in-flight safety
lecture" a bit more entertaining:
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat
backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this airplane..."
"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke,
contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the
airplane.
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the
lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
"Good morning. As we leave
Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to
switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please
stay inside the plane 'til we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk
on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business
Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we
enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us,
some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead
bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is
equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during
taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes
to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave
the aircraft."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone
voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead
area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."
From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of
the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on
this flight."
|
