DE CE A TRAVERSAT PUIUL AUTOSTRADA

DE CE A TRAVERSAT PUIUL AUTOSTRADA?

ÎNVĂŢĂTOARE DE sCOALĂ: - Pentru ca a vrut sa ajunga pe partea cealalta.

PROFESOR DE LICEU:- Chiar daca v-as explica, dragi mei dobitoci, tot n-ati întelege.

PLATON: - Pentru ca a mers în cautarea binelui si armoniei.

ARISTOTEL: - Este în natura puilor sa traverseze strazi.

KARL MARX: - Avea instabilitate istorica si dialectica.

MARTIN LUTHER KING: - I have a dream! Vad o lume în care toti puii vor fi liberi sa traverseze strazile fara sa fie chestionate motivele lor.

MOISE: - si Dumnezeu a coborât din ceruri si a poruncit puilor: Traversati autostrazile! si puiul a traversat-o, si toti s-au înveselit.

BILL CLINTON: - Puiul n-a traversat autostrada. Repet, puiul NU a traversat autostrada.

MAQUIAVELO: - Chestiunea este ca puiul a traversat autostrada. Cui îi pasa de ce? Faptul de a traversa autostrada justifica orice alt motiv.

FREUD: - Faptul ca te preocupa de ce puiul a traversat autostrada scoate în evidenta nesiguranta ta sexuala: Edip Avicol.

BILL GATES: - Chiar acum am lansat pe piata MSChicken 2000, care nu numai ca traverseaza autostrazile, ci pune oua, arhiveaza documentele importante si rotunjeste calculele Dvs.

DARWIN: - Dealungul marilor perioade de timp, puii au fost selectionati natural de forma ca acum au o dispozitie genetica de a traversa autostrazile.

EINSTEIN: - Daca puiul a traversat autostrada sau autostrada s-a deplasat pe desubtul lui depinde de punctul de reper relativ.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: - Iregularitatea partii autostrazii a puiului îi ameninta pozitia dominanta în marketing. Puiul se lovea de sfidari importante pentru a crea si a dezvolta competentele necesare pentru a crea si a înfrunta competitivitatea pietei. Andersen Consulting, într-o relatie de parteneriat cu clientul, a sprijinit puiul prin redesign a strategiilor lui de distributie fizica si a proceselor de implantare. Folosind metoda de integrare avicola (MIA), Andersen a ajutat puiul sa foloseasca abilitatile lui proprii, metodologia, cunoasterea, capitalul si experiente pentru a alinia mintea, procesele si tehnologia puiului în sprijinul strategiei lui globale în cadrul lucrarilor Gestiune de Programe. Andersen consulting a convocat o echipa interdiscip 141d35b linara de analisti de autostrazi si crescatori de pui care, împreuna cu consultanti din Andersen care aveau remarcabile abilitati în industria transportului, au abordat timp de 2 zile o serie de sedinte cu scopul de a varsa capitalul lor individual de cunostinte, atât explicit cât implicit, sa-i permita a ajunge la sinergii confluente în obtinerea scopurilor emanate din predarea si designul de succes cu implementarea unui cadru de valori empresariale prin continua dezvoltare a proceselor avicole. sedintele s-au desfasurat într-un ambiant care reproducea un parc, posibilitând un impact strategic centrat în industrie si eleborând un mesaj CONSISTENT, CLAR si UNIC, aliniat cu misiunea, vederea si valorile principale ale puilor. Toate acestea au condus la crearea unei solutii integratoare a afacerii globale.

BUDDHA: - A pune aceasta întrebare contrazice propria sa natura de pui.

PUBLICITATE DE PROFIL: - Unde scrie "Puiul traverseaza autostrada" trebuia sa zica "Afacerile necurate ale lui Puiu".

TITLU DE ZIAR NAŢIONAL: - Criza economica constrânge puiul sa traverseze autostrada!

TITLU DE PAGINA 12: - Puiul e gata.

REVISTA FEMEI: - Luminile amurgului se varsau peste câmpia solitara. O lumina. Un destin. O singuratate. Puiul a ridicat capul ca în cautarea unui raspuns la toate întrebarile sale. La distanta, o modesta casuta de tabla. Nici o masina nu traversa la ora acea autostrada nr. 2, care uneste Filea de Jos cu Giurtelecu Hododului. Puiul a stiut atunci ca a ajuns momentul. Scuturându-si amorteala penelor a mers hotarât, a pus o laba pe asfalt, pe urma alta, si alta, si alta (oare câte picioare are?). Mergea mândru. stia ca se apropia sa reuseasca imposibilul. Se gândea la succes. La glorie. La faima. De aceea n-a vazut acel camion fara lumini. De acea n-a auzit zgomotul rablagit al motorului Roman.

O GLOBO: - Mayor frango do mundo consegue atravesar a rodovia.

LE MONDE: - Les consequences pour les Balcanes sont encore a prevoir: un poulet est arrivé a traverser la route sans blessures.

ZIARUL ADEVARUL: - Basescu si puiul: obscurele coridoare al unei relatii improprii. Ce este în spatele afacerii autostrazilor? Inform exclusiv: gainile si puisorii care primesc pe sub m na malai de la Stat. Cine sunt cei care profita de ouale?

ACASĂ MAGAZIN: - Toata intimitatea puilor: "ÎMI LIPSEsTE NUMAI DRAGOSTEA CA SĂ AM UN SUCCES TOTAL".

JOSE SOFISMA: - Toti puii traverseaza autostrazile. Puiul a traversat autostrada. Puiul este în sine tot o autostrada.

BAMBINO VEIRA: - Puiul merge bine.

CONSTANTINESCU: - Concetateni, v-am prevenit daca nu oprim puiul corupt acum o sa ajunga pâna la trotuarul de visavi si va reduce credibilitatea tarii la parteneriatele cu Occident!

ILIESCU: - Pentru ca e un !#$&^* de taranist iresponsabil!

BĂSESCU: - Am dat dispozitie sa i se congeleze conturile pâna nu plateste taxele de drum.

MARKO BELA: - E un drept al minoritatii avicole.

PROYECTIST IMPSAT 2000: - Înainte de a întreba orice, cititi norma ISO-PUI 2003 si dupa acea sunati-ma. O puteti consulta pe Intranet.

SUPORT TEHNIC (SRL service): - Eu de aci nu vad sa fi traversat strada. Resetati puiul si daca tot îl vedeti ca traverseaza, formatati oale sau trimiteti cineva din firma la cursurile noastre ($322 la cursul zilei plus TVA).

DUPĂ MINE: - Puiul a traversat autostrada pentru a consola puicuta aceea bronzata care îi place lui atunci când ea se întorcea suparata acasa, pe trotuarul de visavi, de la meciul de retrogradare a echipei FC Cucuricu.

Pat Buchanan: Ca sa fure slujba unui american decent care munceste din greu.
Jerry Seinfeld: De ce trece toata lumea drumul? Adica, de ce nu s-a gindit nimeni vreodata sa intrebe "Ce naiba facea gaina plimbindu-se pe peste tot".
Biblia: Dumnezeu a venit din rai si a zis gainii "Tu trebuie sa treci drumul". Iar gaina a trecut drumul, si toata lumea a fost incintata.
Machiavelli: Important este faptul ca gaina a trecut drumul. Cui ii pasa de ce? Concluzia trecerii drumului justifica motivul pentru care a facut-o, indiferent care ar fi acesta.
Thomas de Torquemada: Da-mi 10 minute cu gaina si voi afla tot.
Timothy Leary: Pentru ca aceasta este singur miscare pe care Puterea ii permite sa o faca.
Emil Constantinescu: Precum au concluzionat si ziaristii de la "Romania Libera" este un act clar de diversiune al diplomatiei americane, pentru a nu permite intrarea Romaniei in NATO, Moncher.
John Locke: Pentru ca isi exersa dreptul sau natural la libertate.
Albert Camus: Nu conteaza; actiunile gainii au semnificatie doar pentru ea.
Freud: Faptul pentru care ai crezut ca gaina a trecut strada, infatiseaza substratul insecuritatii tale sexuale.
Darwin: Gainile dupa o buna bucata de vreme au fost selectionate natural, in asa fel incit ele au acum genetic, inclinatia de a trece drumul.
Darwin 2: A fost urmatorul pas logic dupa ce aceasta a coborit din copac.
Richard M. Nixon: Gaina nu a trecut drumul, va repet, gaina nu a trecut drumul.
Oliver Stone: Intrebarea nu este "De ce gaina a trecut drumul ?" ci mai curind "Cine a traversat strada in acelasi timp si pe cine am scapat din vedere in graba noastra de a observa trecerea gainii?"
Papa: Aceasta este numai pentru Dumnezeu sa stie.
Louis Farrakhan: Drumul, vezi mata, reprezinta omul negru. Gaina a calcat peste "omul negru" pentru a-l umili si lovi cu brutalitate si a-l tine jos.
Martin Luther King Jr.: Am viziunea unei lumi unde toate gainile vor putea trece drumul fara ca motivul lor sa fie pus sub semnul intrebarii.
Bunicul: Pe vremea mea noi nu puneam astfel de intrebari. Cineva ne-a spus ca gaina a trecut drumul si asta a fost de ajuns pentru noi.
Aristotel: Ca sa-si actualizeze potentialul.
Erich Maria Remarque: Gaina a trecut strada deoarece, dupa experienta razboiului, nu s-a mai simtit acasa in propria casa.
George Orwell: Pentru ca guvernul a pacalit-o facind-o sa creada ca trece strada din proprie initiativa, cind de fapt nu a facut altceva decit sa serveasca interesele guvernului.
Karl Marx: A fost o inevitabilitate istorica.
Albert Einstein: Depinde ce punct de referinta iti alegi: gaina a trecul drumul sau drumul a trecut gaina.
Pyrrho cel Sceptic: Care drum?
Ion Iliescu: Eu nu stiu nimic.
Ernest Hemingway: Ca sa moara. In ploaie.
Joseph Stalin: Nu-mi pasa. Prindeti-o. Am nevoie de ouale ei ca sa-mi fac o omleta.

Husband : (returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I am now logged in."

Wife : Have your brought the ring?

Husband : Bad Command or File Name

Wife : But I told you in the morning

Husband : Erroneous syntax.

Wife : What about my new blouse?

Husband : Variable not found

Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping

Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied ...

Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?

Husband : Too many parameters. Abort!

Wife : It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.

Husband : Data type mismatch.

Wife : You are a useless nut.

Husband : Default Parameter.

Wife : What about your salary?

Husband : Acesss denied. File in use....

Wife : Who was in the car this morning?

Husband : System unstable. Press CTRL ALT DEL to Reboot.

> Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
see
>
> the 'OK' button displayed?"
> Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
> Tech Support: "Years of training..."
> -=+=-
> Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
> Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
> Tech Support: "Well?"
> Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
> -=+=-
> Customer: "Do I have to hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?"
> -=+=-
> Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
> -=+=-
> Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
> Tech Support: "What does it say?"
> Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
> Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
> Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
> -=+=-
> Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
> Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
> -=+=-
> Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it."
> -=+=-
> Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
> Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."
> -=+=-
> Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
> Customer: "Ok."
> Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
> Customer: "No."
> Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
> Customer: "No."
> Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
> Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
> -=+=-
> Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
> Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
> Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
> -=+=-
> Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"
> Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)
> Tech Support: "Well then we can't--"
> Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'."
> Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now. You need to--"
> Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to try a few times, and it will let me through."
> Tech Support: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because you're on the phone with me."
> Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."
> -=+=-
> Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
> Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
> Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
> Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
> Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
> Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
> Customer: "What?"
> Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
> Customer "No."
> -=+=-
> Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
> -=+=-
> Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
> Customer: "A white one."
> -=+=-
> Customer: "I'm going to be using Windows NT. Should I get the Server or Workstation version?"
> Tech Support: "Well, are you using it as a workstation or as a server?"
> Customer: "A server. So, which one do I get?"
> Tech Support: "The server version perhaps?"
> Customer: "Which one is that?"
> Tech Support: "Windows NT Server."
> Customer: "Ok, thanks."
> -=+=-
> Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
> Customer: "How do you spell that?"
> -=+=-
> Customer: "I can't log in to my account."
> Tech Support: "Ok, let's look at your configuration."
> Customer: "Ok... but I know that my User ID is case sensitive."
> Tech Support: "Yes it is. Ok, what does it say in the 'User ID' field?"
> Customer: "'Case Sensitive'."
> -=+=-
> Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
> Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."
> -=+=-
> Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
> Customer: "Pentium."
> -=+=-
> Tech Support: "What version of the Mac OS are you using?"
> Customer: "Word 6.0."
> -=+=-
> Customer: "I don't need any of that SQL stuff -- I just want a
database!"
>
>
> -=+=-
> Customer: "I have a long distance modem."
> -=+=-
> Customer: "I don't have a space bar."
> -=+=-
>

Wanna visit France?

The following advice for American travellers going to France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the CIA,the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travelers only.

General Overview
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular importance and with not very good shopping.
France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and Eurodisney. Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible for Americans to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that local people insist on speaking in French, though many will speak English if shouted at.
Watch your money at all times.

The People
France has a population of 56 million people. 52 million of these drink and smoke (the other 4 million are small children). All French people drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in a queue. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behaviour. Many people are communists. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie or Michel, and they kiss each other when they meet. American travellers are advised to travel in groups and wear baseball caps and colourful trousers for easier recognition.

Safety
In general, France is a safe destination, although travellers must be aware that from time to time it is invaded by Germany. Traditionally, the French surrender immediately and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the American visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French government to flee to London during future German invasions.

History
France historical figures are King Louis, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport. The French were never very imaginative and all their kings were called Louis. The French enjoyed their Revolution which set up their republic. It was so successful that they did it again, and again and again.

Government
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously and always result in a draw. The French love administration so for government purposes the country is divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, towns, communes, villages, cafes, and telephone kiosks. Each of these has its own government and elections. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower, though confusingly they are both on the ground floor, and whose members are either Gaullists or Communists, neither of whom should be trusted by the traveller. Parliament's principal occupation is testing atomic bombs in the south Pacific and acting indignant and surprised when other countries complain,and then complaining when the Arabs do the same in Paris.
According to the most current American state department intelligence, the President is now someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.

Culture
The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their music sounds the same and they have never made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes.

Cuisine
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants on the other hand, are excellent,although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travellers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers.

Economy
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because the French hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons,perfume, guided missiles, champagne, guns, grenade launchers, land mines,tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

Public Holidays
France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are: 197 Saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in triumph as if he won the war single-handed Days, 18 Napolean sent into Exile Days, 17 Napolean Called Back from Exile Days, and 2 "France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish" Days.

Conclusion
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it was not inhabited by French people.The best thing that can be said for France is that it is not Germany.

Le BicMag